Peace Man

You know I went to mass yesterday. Out of all the things I could have done (which I would consider productive in the rate of beer drinking and time spent hanging out in my room or with friends) I mechanically went to hear mass. This maybe because of the course I've taken as I entered the new year, which was highly dictated by my mother, but no, thinking about it again I really think maybe not.

As I was standing there hearing the sermon I realized my attention isn't about what's on the gospel. I was somewhere else.

My mother called me the other night and told me they needed money (yet again). And I said I had none left to send them (also a yet again). Since that conversation depression was up to chest level. And true enough I started feeling depressed. I was watching a movie made by Rob Zombie (as suggested by a friend when asked which horror movie is worth watching among the list of horror films in the category) - which I ultimately decided to forget the title of when this happened. While watching it and thinking crossly about my conversation with Mama I thought to myself, this is so damn depressing. Yeah. Days after I am still feeling the same. Always down with the weather and hyper sensitive. I missed a lot of people (even the ones I am already seeing on an almost daily basis). I dislike the taste of food. Hate the taste of water. Always longing for a drunken night cap and most importantly thinking miserably that my room (no matter how intricately small it is in squaremeters with no bed and just an elongated doormat to sleep at) is still the best place in the world for hanging out.

Honestly, I am lonely. So lonely I don't really want to vent about my life issues to anyone - because I know it'll scare even my closest friends away. But I just want some close friends to talk to and have a laugh out of this misery because I still believe in the saying that laughter is still the best medicine. But sadly no one was there for me. I miss everyone who was always there to make me laugh or to give me that unforgiving hug to the extent that it squashes my boobs so hard I want to slap them back instead. But no I won't. I really wont. Because I missed that.

For some reasons my feet dragged me to church yesterday after storming away from a friend's house while I was under a spell telling me that I am being intentionally ignored. You know what they say about things happening for a reason? Yeah that shit doesn't work too much of itself for me. Because I don't know what the hell am I doing inside the church! I tried so hard to pay attention but my mind is so blank I couldn't even move. But then after a while and for some reasons I felt silence. Although the church was packed with all shades of Catholics from the basement to the ceiling and how mostly some of them talked while the priest was telling anecdotes about how we should all be proud to be part of God's family and all that crap which is kinda phat from the way he said it that time, I felt warm and silenced. All of a sudden I was not mad. I lost all thoughts or running away and then just plain wanting to see everyone I love so dearly.

When I got back home I cried a lot. I cried like i was broken-hearted once again. Like a child hiding under the pillow so mama won't hear me and so she can leave me alone. And the best of all, I cried because i still don't know what's wrong with me and that what I've done (running away and those shitty sulking stuff because-you-punks-are-ignoring-me) is purely an effect of my stupidity and indecision.

So I told myself I wanted peace of mind. I want to stop thinking. I want a clean slate. When I ran away from my friend and was already aboard the jeepney feeling all sentimental and broken inside i saw my friend standing on the side of the street. He must have tried chasing me back so i would know i really don't have to leave and that we can talk about it and all. But i was still mean and unforgiving like i had too much guts that time until I finally reached home.

not on my desk

Here are some stuff I've been scribbling while I'm physically located at work but psychologically not. Sorry but most of the times this happens.

...in this corner
stands in the horridness of boredom
accentuated by aloftness
covered in a cloud of smoke
emulsified by praises and weirded eyes
we play.

key in lust
know when to use it
make way for that line
never a minute, never from a single stand
we play.

~~~~~~

when there is time to think, you wont
when the air is pressed, you can't
when space is white, you darken
think.

I did this and i did that
you had this and you had that
acceptance at hand
comprehension is bland

I don't know how to explain these to be honest with you because my mind was just playing around so in case you're finding these lines ridiculous then we'll all have to wait until Christmas. Haha. Just kidding.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Before the Plunge

I have a feeling that I should be writing today. This is because I also have a feeling that I wouldn't be able to find time to write here for quite awhile again. Unfortunately, my thoughts aren't cooperating. No! That can't be. I really really want to say something before I take the plunge.

I'm going to start working again as a copywriter. Tonight will be my first night on the floor. Yesterday, I went on training together with some graphic artists who will be deployed with the Creative Team. I was the only one who was to work with SEO. You see, I went into this training knowing all my questions will finally be answered by the trainer, but no, she was downright clueless herself about my field of work.

Anyway, I guess I'll be fine. That's what everyone was telling me. That I'll be fine. But I was like, nah, I don't know.

Before going to bed finally for the last time of being a bum I played Backyard Monsters (raised and hatched me some Pokey's and Finks. About 20 of each. Whew!), Mafia Wars (Moscow, baby yeah!) and lastly MMA Pro (Ftaghn be damned, I'll beat you next time).

I'll see you next time, my dear blog. I'll miss you until the next time I see you. Take care of yourself please.

To Parag Lavine of Bombay, you were always right about IT. Thank you for not giving up on me.
To Melissa Reyes: Sorry OG.
To Rey Villanueva: Sorry...I forgot.
To Emman Publico: Sorry Alabang.
To Jigs: Sorry PC Mall
To April Limbo: Sorry Singapore company(unless you guys offer me that freelance job as well hehe)
To Francis Jan Quinabo: I'll take that some other time (ang yabang ko haha!)
To KC Ochoa: I need you back
To Vinz Natividad: I need you to help
To Kaiye Roldan: I need that ...
To my brother koniks: I need you to stop whatever you're doing, dancing, if that's what you call it, because you're becoming so annoying I'm becoming nauseous.
To my Lola Luming and my mother who is about to go to the Antipolo Cathedral: I love you both.

Shit. This is cheezy! I'm not signing out or saying good-bye, okay. I'm just going to bed.

Under the Pillow

Some dreams come true and then some will come to an end unearthly as you can ever imagine.

Trapped in the Drive-Thru

I heard this first from my brother one early morning. He was playing it so loud that I was woken up instantaneously. I was not mad. I was, as a matter of fact, amused. It made me laugh so hard I asked him to play it again for me as I prepared my coffee. As the song was playing, once again I was laughing like crazy. Then my brother sang it to me. I could not believe he knew the lyrics so well! He said he'd been hearing it from our cousins for quite a while now. Wow! The next thing I know, I'm trying to memorize the song. Anyway, I just want to share to you Trapped in the Drive-Thru by Weird Al Yankovic. =)