Peace Man

You know I went to mass yesterday. Out of all the things I could have done (which I would consider productive in the rate of beer drinking and time spent hanging out in my room or with friends) I mechanically went to hear mass. This maybe because of the course I've taken as I entered the new year, which was highly dictated by my mother, but no, thinking about it again I really think maybe not.

As I was standing there hearing the sermon I realized my attention isn't about what's on the gospel. I was somewhere else.

My mother called me the other night and told me they needed money (yet again). And I said I had none left to send them (also a yet again). Since that conversation depression was up to chest level. And true enough I started feeling depressed. I was watching a movie made by Rob Zombie (as suggested by a friend when asked which horror movie is worth watching among the list of horror films in the category) - which I ultimately decided to forget the title of when this happened. While watching it and thinking crossly about my conversation with Mama I thought to myself, this is so damn depressing. Yeah. Days after I am still feeling the same. Always down with the weather and hyper sensitive. I missed a lot of people (even the ones I am already seeing on an almost daily basis). I dislike the taste of food. Hate the taste of water. Always longing for a drunken night cap and most importantly thinking miserably that my room (no matter how intricately small it is in squaremeters with no bed and just an elongated doormat to sleep at) is still the best place in the world for hanging out.

Honestly, I am lonely. So lonely I don't really want to vent about my life issues to anyone - because I know it'll scare even my closest friends away. But I just want some close friends to talk to and have a laugh out of this misery because I still believe in the saying that laughter is still the best medicine. But sadly no one was there for me. I miss everyone who was always there to make me laugh or to give me that unforgiving hug to the extent that it squashes my boobs so hard I want to slap them back instead. But no I won't. I really wont. Because I missed that.

For some reasons my feet dragged me to church yesterday after storming away from a friend's house while I was under a spell telling me that I am being intentionally ignored. You know what they say about things happening for a reason? Yeah that shit doesn't work too much of itself for me. Because I don't know what the hell am I doing inside the church! I tried so hard to pay attention but my mind is so blank I couldn't even move. But then after a while and for some reasons I felt silence. Although the church was packed with all shades of Catholics from the basement to the ceiling and how mostly some of them talked while the priest was telling anecdotes about how we should all be proud to be part of God's family and all that crap which is kinda phat from the way he said it that time, I felt warm and silenced. All of a sudden I was not mad. I lost all thoughts or running away and then just plain wanting to see everyone I love so dearly.

When I got back home I cried a lot. I cried like i was broken-hearted once again. Like a child hiding under the pillow so mama won't hear me and so she can leave me alone. And the best of all, I cried because i still don't know what's wrong with me and that what I've done (running away and those shitty sulking stuff because-you-punks-are-ignoring-me) is purely an effect of my stupidity and indecision.

So I told myself I wanted peace of mind. I want to stop thinking. I want a clean slate. When I ran away from my friend and was already aboard the jeepney feeling all sentimental and broken inside i saw my friend standing on the side of the street. He must have tried chasing me back so i would know i really don't have to leave and that we can talk about it and all. But i was still mean and unforgiving like i had too much guts that time until I finally reached home.