A Letter from the Bottom of my Heart

Dear Reader,


I'm sorry, but I'll be gone soon.

I will be back. I promise.

I just needed time to reset.

It's true, I'm not okay. Everything I could think of right now is about dying. Dying and be nothing more than a mist.

Because it's so hard to be human. It's so hard to live.

It's painful enough to wake up everyday and sleep during the night crying to sleep, mending broken dreams, wishing desperately for collosal hapiness or at least an escape. But then in the end having none of this at all.

I really figured that in order for me to live again I should die a million times. Because it has also been a million times I had my smiles in the past and now I'm bound to frown.

Crying.

Leaving.

Death.

It all sounds so easy but are all the hardest to bare. So in this note I'd like you to know I wouldn't commit the latter in physicality. :D

So, to everyone who has been there for me thru all of these drama, thank you. Thank you for being there for me. Your names need no mentioning (nakakahiya ang cheezy kasi eh hehe). Anyway, at least through all of you I'm leaving with a happy sense of understanding that I have friends who value issues such as what I'm going thru right now, and I won't forget you all for that.

I'll see you all soon.

Peace and Love,
Ayn

Tattoo on my mind

I have to have this. It's called the Shhh tattoo. Everyone's been talking about it in Hollywood and even from some girls in my office. Well, okay I like La Lohan, but not because she has one of these (and Lily Allen too) doesn't mean I wanted to get one myself. I just think it's pretty, and hot. Pretty hot.

Okay well speaking of tattoos I once told myself that I'd ever get myself a tattoo I want it somewhere down the side of my rib cage, near the pelvic bone. I want an ultra hot mermaid to be my very first tattoo because I'm a fan of mermaids, though I know literally seeing them flesh and all meat fishy is a little too scary, either way my idea hasn't changed yet.

I talked to my mother about getting a buddism inspired tattoo when I was about 19. She called me a lunatic and has no self-respect. I talked to her about this shh tattoo a few days ago when she was still mending a broken heart from my father's so very uncalled for philandering issues and she told me that I'm her favorite daughter. I love teasing people. Shhh...

See! I should really get one!

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and that's my biggest issue right now. I think too much. Some times, I want to quit thinking and just go to sleep. But there are just so many things I want to be answered before I go to sleep or it would be so impossible for me to sleep at all.

Last night it was about Vince again. Vince, was there ever a time I stopped thinking of this guy? Well, taking out my bragging rights, yes, there was. And it was during that time he broke up with me. I went out for weeks not thinking of him or whether he's gonna text me or not. Anyway, I made it then. But now, how come I counldn't stop thinking of him again?

I called his home phone and I was told he was not home for almost 3days. To my utter disbelief I was somehow relieve to know this. I don't know why but a couple of days he stopped texting me I was worried like hell! But now, without batting an eyelash I put down the phone and went back to my room and continued watching How I met your Mother.

Oddly as it may sound this wasn't the best part yet. The best part is the morning after.

I woke up at around seven in the morning feeling so heavy. I was sick beyond knowing. My head hurts like hell and my eyes stings. I wonder what I had done the night before, I told myself. I went into a recollection.

So I recalled the time when I got the text that the man who toured the world in 3days (Vince) has already arrived. I was told not to interfere with this homecoming scene for shortly there will be a meeting between him and the task force about his untold intensions for this quest. I sense a bitter note in that remark and so I took my leave from the exchange of text messages and sent my regards instead. It was still early then so I waited for news. I tried ever so hard to keep myself awake in case the ever so noble Man of the greatest conquest in history is to realize my existence and his longingness for my presence, but sadly there was none. I waited, hours and hours, tears after uncontrollable tears, thoughts after miserables thoughts and so on. To end this, I don't know.

To end this, until now I haven't heard from this man. And so whatever has happened to him in that 3 days I'm not sure I'd still be able to tell you what.

Long walks

I was with some friends. We were headed to the mall. As we walk I notice them in pairs. I was the only one walking alone.

I was window shopping at the mall yesterday. Pay day sickness. I ran into a shop with a nice display of a blue shirt that has a huge print of HUGS NOT DRUGS. I thought, a person like me has to buy this shirt, pronto!

I overslept last night and just realized I have to go to work today. When I'm all done I walked from our house to the Subdivision gate which was like a thousand miles away. Next time I'll sign up for a walkathon.

I was walking my way to work. Mp3 music playing in my ears - Thinking of you by Katie Perry. (sshhh...I'm trying to concentrate here)

I walked in to the coffee shop, alone. Not a single intension of buying coffee today came to me, I was even craving for a gelato. I came to meet a friend. I left the shop drinking twice the amount of coffee I needed.

I walk home a bag full of dress at hand. As I went to my room, fitted the pretty little dresses I started to frown. They're in black in white.

~~~

What used to be a bad idea came out to be the best solution ever

Things I learned about myself when I broke-up with Vince (not really the good stuff):
1. I'm not really a well-rounded person.
2. I can't tell a good joke.
3. I eat triple my size and its bad for me, especially when you look at my family's dietary history.
4. I have fat legs.
5. I'm the smallest person on earth.
6. I have the worst singing voice.
7. The books I've read is nothing compared to the long list of books he have had and lost.
8. Foreign music is not called music at all.
9. When I complain I'm just being papansin and nagddrama.
10. I have mood swings as often as you've never imagined.

Things I learned about myself when I broke-up with Vince (the really good stuff):
1. I am the luckiest person on earth.
2. I have a beautiful speaking voice.
3. Holding hands can do wonders.
4. My eyes can say a lot but his lips can express the best things ever.
5. I can skate!
6. I can cook!
7. I am sexy (?) <- still thinking about this 8. I can finish my book even if I've lost the manuscript for the nth time. 9. ...that I have to try and understand the situation first before I start reacting. 10. That friendship is to be kept whatever happens. 11. I can be a faithful, sweet, loyal, loving, thoughtful, sincere, helpful and trusting girlfriend.

You've taken good care of me, always been there for me
Boy, I can't bear to leave cause I need your therapy
You've given me everything, so much I ever cold need
Without you I'm weak in the knees, I need your therapy


V-A