Red in my Dream

Suddenly, the world stops.

It walked across the foyer in flats of steel making sure every other move is a pandemonium. I felt a sudden heat on my nape. I raised my right hand to soothe the increasing pressure that is now up to the back of my ears. It walks along. Slowly in a manner that kills. I hoped for a mirror to see who was coming, but it was too late. I pushed my luck and angled my head a little to the direction of the approaching steps.

As the shadow looms over the wall I avert my eyes as if concentrating to the graph in my laptop. Sure it was a laptop, though it appears to be some kind of a mirror now. I wonder, why didn't I know I have this when I needed it awhile ago? Darn it. In panic, I turned around quickly as the footsteps came into a halt in my rear. The face of someone I know I've seen before came into view. It was a she. I blinked and in my head flashed another face. I stared at the face of the woman before me and said, "No".

There was silence. Something around her head materialized as I said the word. It was forming into what seemed like a perfect shape of cumulus clouds. Only it was red. She eyed me seriously and said, "I'm leaving". Then it dawned to me. Her voice, her face, her words and the clouds of blood around her head. I know her. I know her. Then I was awake.

Confused in my own dream I tried to make sense out of it. I was working alone in the office when someone came in. That someone turned out to be a woman, Me. Without words my boyfriends face flashed before me. So I thought I knew what she came here for. I told her no, in a manner of thinking that she would do something to take him away from me. Then the blood starts flowing out at the back of her head. The color was outstanding that it made me feel so scared. I looked at her again and she said to me, I'm leaving. Then I knew it. Something bad is about to happen. Yeah.

I woke up seven in the morning. After the dream I turned around to see the light of the sun out the open window of my room. A very beautiful day. I turned around again and groped for my phone and started texting my boyfriend. He still must be asleep. I sat up and felt a pang in my head. Particularly at the back. My heart sank.

My phone beeped. I opened it and saw a reply from him. Suddenly, I felt cold. Must be the weather. I asked him how he was and if he already had sleep. I found out he isn't that well yet and had not had sleep. I asked him to try to get some and that I'll be there after work today. He said ok, wished me to have a nice day and the i love yous.

I put down the phone and went back to bed. I looked at the time and saw that I'm still too early to rush. My phone beeped again. It was Mama this time. She was reminding me I have work today and to wake up. I laughed in silence. Sabi ko na nga ba, mana ako sa Mama ko eh. Paranoid! I replied with an of course Ma! and a plea to not let me go home this weekend. She agreed.

I finished bath in a jiffy and turned to the cabinet for anything appropriately wearable today. I walked out of the boarding house and into the sun rushing to work.

All those times my head feels swollen and brutally painful.

I probably shouldn't say this...

Want I want to do right at this very moment of boredom

What I really want to say when you piss me off

What I really want to do when you piss me off


How I plan to escape reality

How I plan to escape the bills I need to pay

My thoughts when you're mad

My thoughts when I'm mad

My thoughts when I cry

My thoughts when you cry


What I really want to say when you ask me "what's wrong?"

What I really don't want to say when you ask me "what's wrong?"


Things I do when I'm alone

Things I do when I don't want to be alone


Things you have to know

Things you need to know

Things I don't want you to know


Things I say behind your back

Things I do in the dark


Songs I sing for you

Songs I sing for you when I'm mad

Songs I sing for you when you're mad


Silly things I do when you're not around

Silly things I say when you're not around

Silly things I think of doing

Silly things I think I should be doing


My secrets

What I hate

What I want

Who I really am

2 years and 6 months ago I was smiling, laughing, dancing, traveling and discovering the road to break away innocence. 14 months ago I was in my room waiting, listening, pleading and crying to the phone as it breathes in silence. 8 months ago I was running for my life. Hiding, swearing and escaping what seemed to be an inescapable circumstance of reality. 2 days ago I was wondering. What's the next thing love has got to do to me?

Year - End Special (Part 2)

Continuation...

7. July – I became the busiest person on planet. The word planet equates KS Office here and abroad. I could vividly remember the time I learned Camtasia Studio for a video presentation of an upcoming product. Yes, indeed you read that right – time - for I was only given a short period of “time” to learn quickly as possible the said tool. My team had both the good and the bad times. The good times were when I was able to learn the tool after a couple of hours sleep and I got to work early the next day to have it all done for presentation. Hurray! The bad times were when we realized none of our efforts were appreciated. Tsk, tsk!

8. August – August rush. This month is when I had so many books to read in one time. Honestly, I’ve never been so hooked on reading like this before. Well, probably because during this month was went I felt the hardest hit of being lonesome in a world full of hype-mongering people. Anyhow, the books I’ve read were really amazing. If I am not mistaken I’ve read 4 books of Sydney Sheldon, 1 of Paolo Coelho, 1 of Nora Roberts and 4 of Sophie Kinsella. Unbelievable!

9. September – A.) Papa didn’t preach. He left the country to earn a living; he suffered mild heat stroke and missed birthdays and special events in the circle of his family. But papa didn’t preach nor complained after all the bad luck that has happened to him overseas. Instead he insisted that he be given more updates on what we all had been going thru while he’s far, far away. And I say I feel for him because nothing beats the impact of silence a long-distance relationship brings any person in it. Ya’ll dig? B.) Freedom! Living on my own for 2 months in the colorful yet busy city of Makati has turned me into someone I had always longed for since I was young – to be free. No parents, no one sneaking in the gap between the door and the floor, no curfew to stop you from going out at night to party with friends, no nagging when you want to eat junk foods for lunch and most especially no badgering when they see someone walking you back home from work (ahem).

10. October – A.) Down with a sickness. How can I forget, it was during this time of the year I war nearly declared an anorexic for behaving strangely with food I vomit when I take them in. I had eating disorder. I got hospitalized once for abdominal pains I had to confess to the doctor that I was not eating properly for weeks. Then there was UTI. Ooohhh how I nearly killed myself when I heard I had that. It totally freaked me out of my wits. Nowadays, I no longer suffer both conditions. B.) It started with a kiss. For love is overpowering than any knowing mind I succumbed to it. I took off all defenses and landed myself with the love of a lifetime. According to my planner (slash diary) I got reunited with college friend Vince around the third week of this month through Friendster. After countless years, we met again during his 22nd birthday. The next day we became couples. I stunned myself in the process of finding what I know I could never have again. But there it is! Oh, love is such a many splendid things!

11. November – The twists and turns. This month defined my potential as the hopeless romantic for being such a wicked lover. Utterly, I was emotionally hot and cold, black and white and up and down. I am too impulsive, childish and irrational that I hurt myself easily and more often than I could complain. Sigh.

12. December – A very happy year-ender. In years of tremulous crossing the line of my youth to adulthood, finally, I had come to accept that I’m moving on with the years as it pass. December 2008 was when I felt the busiest, the sweetest, the loveliest and the happiest of my life. I really didn’t want to say that line because I know I’d quoted for this but for the record it’s true. The Busiest – The bosses are always up to something when their people demand for an early holiday break, you know. But kidding aside we were demanded to work double time for stuff and it was perfect timing because that held us from enjoying the season sales in all the malls open in extended hours. That was kinda sad too. The Sweetest - One night in December I was running late for a rendezvous with my boyfriend outside a mall. The thing is that I think we’re both anxious that time because it was after all my first meeting with his other set of friends. The situation was that he wanted me to stay with the taxi I was already riding from Makati so that we won’t need to hail another one. But I already told Vince the driver irritates me so I’d rather say we get another taxi instead. Vince insisted I stay with the taxi. We were texting non-stop on my way to him until I got to where he was waiting and quickly jumped out of the taxi. I ran to him quivering in the coldness of the night. When he saw me from afar he had that quizzical look on his face like “What did I just told you to do? Stay in the cab!” Then he walked to me fast, fast and almost running extending a hand. Then I took it as he drew nearer. And in a blink (and to my surprise) he was repeatedly kissing me bit by bit on the lip, lovingly questioning, worrying and laughing. Later on I was wrapped around his arms, in an embrace that exhaled nothing but warmth of affection inside another cab. The Loveliest – This has something to do with the best Christmas presents I got for the life of me. Materialistic, you may say, but that’s probably because I’m only human. I got a new CMG bag, N73 (Christmas gift daw oh ha-ha), Bart Simpson cushioned slippers, The Time Traveler’s Wife book which I am starting to love by the way, a new jacket I bought with my boyfriend, 4 new shirts (2 from cousin Genny, 1 from Kuya Ronnie straight from Singapore and 1 from Vince’s mom) then Mr. Fahrenheit “Poopoo” A. Natividad from my one and only. Those weren't much but I really adored them. The Happiest (and a little sad too I should add) – When I was younger, Christmas was mostly spent with the entirety of my clan around an elongated table filled with food and then later on huddled around the Christmas tree for the presents. Everyone in the family is there - Lolo and Lola, Mama and Papa, my brother and sister, cousins, Aunts and Uncles and a few chosen close friends. This year, Lolo Jose is no longer with us and so as Uncle Buddy who had passed away from Cancer, Papa is working in Qatar and so as two of my favorite cousins Ate Rosie and Kuya Jun-Jun, and Ate Rhea is already out of sight (and out of reach). But we’ve some new additions in the family – Kuya Ronnie, Ate Lem’s husband and two lovely baby boys named Michael and Kevin and then my boyfriend Vince.

Well, one last look and away goes my 2008, a remarkable year that was. I may no longer be able to recall exactly how I had been moved by the situations I went through and by the people who had been there with me, but rest assured that my thoughts and heart at that very moment spent was genuinely a part of my life.

~ Cheers everyone! ~

Year - End Special (Part 1)

Looking back, I don't understand why I didn't have enough time to even write a single post about Christmas. I was checking my weekly report submitted every Monday morning to my boss in Singapore and I realize I was doing nothing but the same stuff I had been doing for the last 6 months at work. I couldn't believe it myself. How I had failed to update my blog with my misadventures is really disappointing me big time. Anyway, I won't sulk on that anymore. Instead I'll... err... just highlight the most memorable things (good and bad, that has happened to me . All in the spirit of Christmas. Yeheeee!

1. January - A.) Best friend Tin (Stacy) left office to pursue a life in Singapore. Oh well, she hadn't really left the country yet, but that marked the start of the revolution in my call center life. I remember the feeling that when she's gone nothing will be the same again at work. And I was right. She was one of my mentors, one of the people who had kept the fire burning inside our frozen hearts. When she left, we felt frozen alive. B.) My forgetful and misleading memory. I marked my calendar for my other best friend Cute's (Andie) birthday - January 28. Later did I found out that it was on the 21st. A huge gap between me and her came upon and we had lost touch. It took us months for her to finally forgive me and for me to finally accept I have a bad memory.

2. February - Basher Girls was born. On the 16th of February, sitting at Starbucks, The Shang were four girls who had not stopped ranting and bashing the most tormenting, unbearable and if not the most horrible people in our lives (ahem) from nine o'clock in the morning until about two in the afternoon. Coffee has brought us all together. Oh but of course it really wasn't the start, but it was indeed the start of the every Saturday Basher session and the mission to dine at all the S'bucks branch in the Philippines, take pictures and make all our detractors drool over us. That of course never happened. Ahek!

3. March - South of the border, West of the Sun by Murakami. This, I remember so well, but not the story verbatim or anything close to that, you know my memory capacity right? Anyway, this book jumpstarted the whole book reading mania in me again. After this I could hardly remember myself not reading a single book every month.

4. April - An emotional month for me. This, now, I no longer understand why had happened to me (and why was it remarkable anyway haha). But seriously, I read a few of my previous friendster blog counts and I was suddenly reminded of that thing we call ... (ahem)... emotionally unstable.

5. May - My retirement from the call center life. Yeah, freedom! Wuhoo! Well, I really hadn't had the chance to say that out loud when I was walking out the door and realizing I would miss it all again some time soon. And I was right. Right here, right now, I'm finally admitting I miss the call center life. Because I get to drink coffee without conviction. Whahehehe adik!

6. June - A.) My shopping spree birthday celebration. Okay, just for the record, I didn't really get to spend that much amount of money on stuff, you know, but what I did is just bought myself an entire new wardrobe and then feed my family to the fullest with my most favorite foods in the world (that is roasted chicken and Sansrival cake, yum!) B.) The Case with my ex. Okay, for the first time in months I am again talking about this serious encounter with my ex-boyfriend and his so-called wife. The war of the words was awful and really heartbreaking knowing that finally I had found the courage to shut the feeling down of wanting to fight back. I remember I was in an emotional turmoil fearing that my courage will soon melt away. But then I also remember how my friends had stood beside me during those times, reminding me that I am just gonna be fine.

To be continued....

That's Not My Name

That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings at the Victoria's Secret 2008-2009

Damn this song is sooo catchy! And how about mixing it and then use it as a runway song for the Victoria's Secret models to play with. Oohh, I love it!