Friday, February 4, 2011

Top Ten Lists of All Those Sh!t That Really Made My Day =)

The Top Ten Bloopers – Astroboy.
  1. No name/Richard – During a game show. Host: “Pagkain na mabaho.” Tessa Prieto: “Tae!”
  2. No name/Elec – Weakest Link. Edu: “Ano mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol na tao?” Contestant: “Itlog ng tao!”
  3. Knightwing/Jorik – Me, at a drive-thru: “Miss puwede takeout?”
  4. Jo – Starlet promoting her new movie: “Showing na po and pelikula namin on the twenty-twoth of May!” (May 22)
  5. Zeni – Lady offering to switch chicken parts with a priest who got the neck part: “Father, you want my breast?”
  6. Racer – At a call center. HR: “Walk-in?” Applicant: “No, commute.”
  7. Taurean Tiger/Specialist – Secretary on the phone: “Mr. Manalo is out of town eh, would you like to wait?”
  8. Paul – Pinay with foreigner in a resto: “(burps) Wow, I’m fed up already!”
  9. Astroboy – Host: “Ano ang kasunod ng kidlat?” Contestant: “Sunog!”
  10. Astroboy – Host: “Ano ang inaayos sa hangar?” Contestant: “Yung sira!”
  11. No name – My sister in a fancy resto: “Ang lamb chops ba gawa sa GOAT?”
  12. His Cuteness – Mom on the phone with her daughter. Mom: “O anak, nasaan ka na?” Daughetr: “Sa ospital po.” Mom: “(panics) ANO?!? Diyos ko anak, ano nangyari?” Daughter: “Nay, nurse po ako.”
  13. Specialist – Friend ordering at a burger joint: “Miss, isang burger with cheese, at isang meron.”
  14. Frederique – Ordering at a dimsum resto: “Miss, isa ngang siomao, este, siopai! Sige, mami na lang…”
  15. No name – Officemate buying snacks: “Bayad, etong neneng ko.”
  16. Calypso – Friend talking on his cellphone: “Hello? HELLO?!? Ano ba to, call o text?”
  17. No name – Game Ka Na Ba. Kris: “Ano ang tawag sa daliri sa paa?” Angelica Jones: “Fingerlings!”
  18. AJ – Friend: “Ang favorite kong band, yung Spongebob Cola!”
  19. Strike – I work at a hospital. One day, a man barged into the ER with a huge wound slashed across his neck, with blood spurting all over! One nurse approached him and calmly asked: “Ano po ang problema?”
  20. Shy Guy 79 – Friend ordering: “Miss isang breast, puwede yung kaliwa?”
  21. Ayti-Eyti/Specialist/Rodel – At a beauty pageant. Host: “What part of the Philippines would you promote to foreigner?” Girl: “Bocaue.” Host: “Why?” Girl: “Because of the Bocaue Rice Terraces.”
  22. Abby – At a fastfood. Me: “Miss, isa ngang fork.” Countergirl: “Ano fong klaseng fork. emfanada?”
Top Ten Driver/Barker Quotes - Astro Boy

  1. Lekizz – The driver told the passengers: “Pasok pa, maluwag pa yan, parang galing Japan!”
  2. Ogs – I rode a tricycle and told the driver: “Lakad na po tayo.” He said: “Gusto mo palang maglakad, eh bakit ka sumakay ng tricycle?”
  3. No name – My tita rode a jeep. Tita: “Mama bayad!” Driver: “Ilan po ‘to?” Tita: “Dalawa, may niyog!”
  4. Voxby – My friend: “Mama tabi lang po sa may shed!” Driver: “Do you mean, sa may ‘waiting shade’?”
  5. Abernathy – Passenger asked the driver to stop because he had to pee. After, he said: Pasensiya na po, kasi maliit talaga pantog ko.” The driver said: “Ako din nga eh, kaya laging nagrereklamo si misis…”
  6. Dona – A co-passenger in a jeep told the driver: “Mama para po sa tapat ng kambing!” When the goat started to run, the driver kept following it. When the passenger said: “Para! Lampas na ko!” The driver said: “Hindi ka pa lampas, kasi eto pa yung kambing!”
  7. JKB – I paid 500 pesos so the driver asked if I had smaller bills. I said: “Wala na po akong mas maliit.” The driver said: “Ows…pramis? Sige nga, pakapkap!”
  8. Geek In Pink – The barker was shouting: “Pito pa! Pito pa!” The a really fat guy rode on the jeep. After the barker shouted: “Lima nalang! Lima nalang!”
  9. Lavander lady – There was a lady on the jeep who asked the driver: “Manong, magkano po Quiapo?” Driver: “Bakit, bibilhin mo?”
  10. Ogs – Barker at MOA: “Isa nalang, isa nalang…yung walang friend!”
  11. Ilagan/Jafruity – Guy: “Mama, bayad!” Driver: “Saan galing?” Guy: “Sa akin.” Driver: “Saan papunta?” Guy: “Sa inyo.”
  12. Tikboy – A guard at the gate asked our driver: “Saan po tayo, ser?” Our driver answered: “Kami lang, hindi ka kasama.”
  13. Ronald – A foreigner asked: “How far from baguio?” Driver said: “Day here, night there!” (What he meant was, you’ll leave here in the morning, you’ll get there at night)
  14. Rexxx – In Pamapanga, there’s a minibus w/c has labels for its seats, on the left side: “DITO MAGAGANDA” and on the right side: “DITO MGA PANGIT”. When the driver saw that everyone sat on the left side, he said: “Asuuuuuuuuuuuus!”
  15. Yunix – A sign on a jeep: “Pag sa jeep naidlip, malayo ang mararating.”
  16. Smiles-a-lot – During a sharp turn, the jeepney driver shouted: “Kapit lang po sa matigas!”
  17. Oscar dela Hopia – Driver: “Ang di pa nagbabayad magbayad na! Wala nang libre ngayon! Kahit nga ang pag-ibig…may kabayaran na…”
  18. Geyp – Taxi driver was telling us he used to be a family driver. When we asked why the shift, she sadly said: “Kasi po naging crush ko sa ma’am…”
  19. Chill – Woman said before boarding the jeep: “Palengke po?” Driver answered: “Hindi, jeepney.”
  20. Jlaw – Driver: “Upong ipit-itlog lang po!”
  21. Denxio – Me: “Isang blumentritt, dalawang recto, at dalawang carriedo.” Driver: “Dine-in o take-out?”
  22. Smiles-a-lot – When the driver or the conductor says: “Mag-ingat lang po sa mandurukot!” It means a known pickpocket just boarded the bus or jeepney.
  23. RC and Cess – A friend asked the taxi driver, referring to the meter: “Boss magkano patong niyo?” Driver: “Miss ha, naughty ka! Pero para sa yo, libre na patong ko.”
  24. Rohan – From a mini-cooper owner: “It takes a real man to drive a small car.”
  25. Kikoman – We told the manong driver to drop us off at the bonfire. He said: “Takot ako sa bonfire…naninipsip ng dugo.”
  26. Geryl – Woman: “Manong, dadaan kayong ilog?” Driver: “Hindi sa ilog, sa tulay lang.”
  27. Specialist – Driver went to a drive-thru and told the cashier: “Miss, isang regular yum with cheese…at isang meron.”
  28. RC and Cess – Taxi driver said to the gas boy: “Full tank, 200 pesos.” (Paano kaya yun?)
  29. LilRedShingNips – Driver: “Sinong bababa sa IBON?” Nobody had any idea what he meant, until he stopped in front of AVON.
  30. Rustom – While I was driving, we saw some monkeys on the road. So I joked to my wife: “Hon o, mga relatives mo!” She answered: “Oo nga no, mga in-laws ko!”

Top Ten Dumbest Things You Heard Anyone Say in School
  1. Infrared – Religion teacher: “Let us all close our eyes and sing,’Open Our Eyes Lord’.”
  2. Carmine – Teacher: “When the odds are against me…I will against them!”
  3. Specialist – Our teacher showed us a picture of a dog then asked: “Class, what breed is this dog? Japanese Speech or Cocker Spaniard?”
  4. Mira Nova – Our teacher once said: “Okey sinong mga absent, itaas ang kamay!”
  5. Brie – Teacher: “It happened both in the 1st and 2nd World War II.”
  6. Pawee – Our teacher once said: “If I catch you cheating, I will give you additional minus!”
  7. No name – We asked our teacher who just came from vacation: “Sir, kelan kayo bumalik?” His answer: “Bukas!”
  8. Nash – Prof in hydrology: “Malls now are using waterless urine!” (waterless urinals)
  9. Abernathy – We asked our music teacher: “Can you differentiate major and minor chords?” She answered: “Yes you can, they’re different.”
  10. Oscar Dela Hopia – Teacher: “Get one whole sheet of pad paper.” Classmate: “Ma’am, crosswise or lengthwise?”
  11. Cha Park – During an exam our prof said: “Time’s up! Come to me, papers!”
  12. Mr Miser – After singing our Alma Mater song, a classmate asked our teacher: “Ma’am sino ba si Alma Mater?” Our teacher answered: “Si ano…si kwan…si Madam Principal.”
  13. Girltemperamental – Our math teacher entered the classroom and said: “Get out…get out…”, so we started exiting one by one. Then he said: “Where are you going?” We answered: “Sir, you said get out.” He said angrily: “I wasn’t finished! I was going to say, get out your calculators!”
  14. Abernathy – Teacher: “Class, you know jumping jack? You know, you open the box and jack will jump?”
  15. Tyron – A classmate asked our teacher: “Ma’am, namamana po ba ang pagka-baog?”
  16. Mr. Perk – Teacher: “Spell orange.” Classmate: “Sir, yung color o yung fruit?”
  17. Xuxalera – Early Monday, our teacher barged into our classroom: “Sinong naglagay ng munggo sa aquarium? Ayan, puro toge!!!”
  18. Jorik – Our English teacher told us: “Today we will only speak English. Maliwanag?”
  19. Cherry – A classmate told me: “Ay ang cute ng mga sintas mo, luminou!” I corrected her: “Luminous!” She said: “Ay, oo nga pala, plural…”
  20. No name – Our teacher asked us to bring colored puto. So the next day, we all bought from Goldilocks their colored puto. Our teacher was so angry. He yelled: “I said bring colored puto! Colored putograp!”
  21. Mickey – Teacher: “Class we have a spelling exam today.” Classmate: “Ma’am, wrong spelling wrong?”
  22. Febkinse – Teacher: “Class give me an example of a tag question.” Classmate: “Teacher is beautiful, isn’t she?” Teacher: “VERY GOOD! Okay, sa Tagalog naman.” Classmate: “Si Ma’am maganda, hindi naman diba?”
  23. Poohbear – Teacher: “The classroom is so dirty! Get a broom and broom the room!” (kumuha ka ng walis at walisin mo ang silid)
  24. No name – Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking even when people are no longer interested?” Classmate: “A teacher?” Ayun, instant quiz.
  25. Sasha Purse – Teacher: “May piraso ako ng baboy, hinati ko sa dalawa. At bawat piraso hinati ulit sa dalawa. At bawat piraso hinati ulit sa dalawa ng 16 pang beses. Meron akong…” Classmate: “Ma’am giniling!”
  26. Antidote – During a cultural program, our teacher gave instructions: “Lahat ng lalaki magbabahag! Kahit anong kulay, basta red!”
  27. Kolboy13 – We were grouping ourselves into 6 groups, but group 6 was incomplete. Our teacher with a heavy accent asked: “O, sino pang gustong sumali sa group sex?”
  28. Acer’s Wifey – In our marketing class, our teacher gave an example of a product warning: “Cigarette is bad for smoking.”
  29. Lockon Stratos – Teacher: “Sinong may alam ng sagot sa equation na ito?” Classmate: “Ma’am kayo!”
  30. Febkinse – Teacher: “Class, anong kaibahan ng 69 sa 6.9?” Student: “Ma’am yung 6.9 mas kadiri kasi may period.”
Top Ten Celebrity Jokes

  1. No name – Erap was singing: “Put your left feet in, then put your left feet out…” Jinggoy: “Dad, dapat foot.” Erap: “Ay oo nga, sori. Foot your left feet in, then foot your left feet out…”
  2. OscarDelaHopia – Pacman: “Nars, gib me samting por my pain!” Nurse: “Okay sir, I’ll give you morphine” Pacman: “No, no! I want less pain, not more pain!”
  3. Hoypunks – Jinggoy: “Dad, anong spelling ng ‘success’, dobol S ba?” Erap: “Naku, ewan ko anak, tatluhin mo na, para sigurado!”
  4. Rehaz – (Nasusunog yung bahay ni Erap at Loi sa U.S.) Loi: “Tawagan mo yung emrgency number!” Erap: “Teka! Nahanap ko na yung 9, pero di ko mahanap yung 11!”
  5. Fratman – Erap: “Hindi maganda itong nabili mong sabon, ayaw bumula!” Loi: “Eh bakit naman kasi ayaw mong basain muna?” Erap: “Hello? Nakalagay nga ‘for dry skin’ only!”
  6. Zeni Grand – Not a joke, but it sounds like one. I saw Alma Moreno being interviewed on TV. Host: “Ano naman ang specialty mo sa pagluluto?” Alma: “Mostly Chinese diseases…”
  7. Andee – Erap: “Hon, na-carnap yung kotse natin!” Loi: “Nahabol mo?” Erap: “Hindi, pero nakuha ko yung plate number!”
  8. Boknoi – Friend: “Pare, saan ka nanggaling?” Pepe Pimentel: “Sa libing ng biyenan ko.” Friend: “Eh bakit ang dami mong kalmot?” Pepe: “Lumaban eh…”
  9. Sakura – “It’s one, in one.” Manny Pacquiao on the latest deadly virus (H1N1)
  10. Numbynacky – (During a funeral) Erap: “Anak, bilis, lumabas tayo agad! Wag tayong paiiwan!” Jinggoy: “Bakit po?” Erap: “Ayan o, nakalagay, ‘REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED”.”
  11. Ralph Waldo – A woman comes up to Melanie Marquez and shouts: “Hey bitch!” Melanie shoots back: “Don’t you EVER call me HEY!”
  12. Glennmich – “Noodle! Noodle!” Manny Pacquiao playing “Deal Or No Deal”.
  13. No name – Erap texts Jinggoy the following message: “Anak, naiwan mo cellphone mo dito sa bahay.”
  14. Neo MD – “Hidden Soldiers!” Manny Pacquiaowhen he was asked what’s the world’s number one anti-dandruff shampoo.
  15. KiD BuKid – Teacher: “What is the scientific name of the female sex organ?” Erap: “I know this…it’s at the tip of my tongue…”
  16. Bebe – “Toilet! Toilet!” Manny Pacquiao when asked which movie had Edward and Bella as the lead characters.
  17. Glennford – (An exchange of texts between Erap and Loi) Erap: “Pa-pasaload naman ng 2 pesos, kasi last text ko na ‘to, may kailangan lang akong i-text.” (Loi sends 2 pesos) Erap: “Tnx!” Loi: “Wag mo na kong i-text!” Erap: “K!”
  18. Aynluvcookies – Jinggoy: “Dad, pasilip nga kung sira yung signal light.” (Erap puts his head out the window of the car) Erap: “Sira nga! Ay, ayos pala! Ay teka, sira nanaman! Ayan, ayos nanaman…”
  19. Aynluvcookies – Alma: “One burger please!” Waiter: “With pleasure, ma’am.” Alma: “No, with ketchup.”
  20. Isenhart – Reporter: “Anong pasalubong mo kay Jinky?” Manny: “Ibon!” Reporter: “Ha? Anong klase?” Manny: “Mik-ap, lipstik, iba-ibang Ibon products!”
  21. Jerguin – Alma: “Doc, si joey po laging sumisigaw pag nagka-climax siya!” Doc: “O, normal lang yun.” Alma: “Eh, nagigising po ako eh!”
  22. RC and Cess – Q: “Bakit hindi nagsusuot ng grass skirt si Mahal?” A: “Kasi nagmumukha siyang sipa.”
  23. Boknoi – Q: “Bakit hindi nagsusuot ng turtleneck si Bembol Roco?” A: “Kasi nagmumukha siyang roll-on.”
  24. Japo – Q: “Anong title nung children’s album na ginawa ng Goo Goo Dolls at ni Lady Gaga?” A: “Goo Goo Gaga.”
  25. Sasha Purse – Jinggoy: “Dad, bakit ang barko lumulutang sa tubig pero ang karayom lumulubog?” Erap: “Duh! Yung karayom may butas!”
  26. Boknoi – (Alma Moreno called Philippine Airlines) Alma: “How long is the flight from Manila to Vancouver?” The person on the other line said: “Just a minute, ma’am…” Alma: “Wow, ang bilis lang pala!” (then puts the phone down).
  27. Bebe – The Abu Sayyaf were looking for FVR, GMA and Erap, who all hid inside a sack each. The rebels kicked FVR’s sack, and FVR said: “Arf! Arf!” The rebels moved to GMA’s sack and kicked it, GMA said: “Meow! Meow!” The rebels moved to Erap’s sack and kicked it, and Erap said: “Patatas! Patatas!”

The Top Ten “Mag-Tagalog Ka Na Lang!” Quotes – Agent 2B
  1. Biboy Blue – While our teacher was swriting on the board, someone threw paper at him. He turned around and shouted, “Hudas dat person dat did dat?”
  2. Beb Ni Tykes – When my mom was in a spa, the masseuse asked, “Swedish or Thai?” My mom answered, “I’m Pinoy!”
  3. Honbee – When I arrived late at friend’s house, he asked, “Have you been eaten?”
  4. Ferdz – From a high school classmate: “Simple problem you cannot solution? How can you graduation?”
  5. Wowie – From a sosyalerang panget on a jeep: “Driver, payment!”
  6. No name – An officemate during a meeting – “I second emotion!”
  7. Sundowner – A beauty contestant when asked what would she advocate should she win: “I want to promote drug abuse!”
  8. Sundowner – Same beauty contest, same question, different contestant: “I will donate trash to every barangay!”
  9. Jose de vengenge – Host: “How will you describe the color blue to a blind man?” Beauty contestant: “Good question, keep it up! I thank you.”
  10. Jose de vengenge – Host: “What makes you blush?” Beauty contestant: “Blush-on?”
  11. Jose de vengenge – Host: “What is the youth’s biggest problem today?” Contestant: “Drugs.” Host: “Why?” Contestant: “Mahal eh!”
  12. Scrambledegg – “You can fool me once, you can fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice, but you can never fool me four!”
  13. Filthy Rich Beggar – An officemate arguing on the phone: “I called you three times! No ha, no ho!” (Ni ha, ni ho)
  14. No name – My angry boss when I took half the day off: “Where did you been?”
  15. Ishi – Our English teacher: “I have a son. My son is a boy.”
  16. Astroboy – Dude 1: “What’s the difference between H2O and CO2?” Dude 2: “H2O is water, CO2 is COLD water!”
  17. Astroboy – Teacher: “Define ethics.” Student: “Ethics are smaller than ducks.”
  18. No name – Over the PA system at the airport: “Passengers please proceed to git it. I ripit, git it.” (“gate 8″)
  19. Dru – I get this all the time when I ask applicants: “How do you want me to call you?” Applicant: “Uhm…cellphone?”
  20. Scully – A high school classmate: “We own a boutique. You know, where you buy medicine?”
  21. No name – When I introduced my twin sister to my high school teacher, she asked, “You’re twins? Since when?”
  22. RhachaeL_Leigh – College professor: “What you are I was. What I am you will.”
  23. Myra – When our secretary got a call looking for a lady who was in a meeting with the boss in his room, the secretary said, “She is inside her boss.”
  24. No name – Calendar Girl: “I will win because I have da 3 “V’s”. Vivacious, Vyootipul, Very Okay.”

The Top Ten Euphemisms
  1. Caloy 311 – In our barkada, the term we use for girls who are hot, flirty and bitchy, is “subterranean”. It’s a euphemism for “sarap tirahin yan”.
  2. Dyn – We had a prof in college who we called Pocahontas because she looks like a pokpok.
  3. Astroboy – Percussive maintenance – the art of whacking an electronic device for it to work again.
  4. JoeCool – He’s not losing hair, he’s gaining face!
  5. Peo – Tagalog euphemism for panty its “salung-guhit”.
  6. Astroboy – I’m not unemployed…I’m a job seeker!
  7. DatgurL/Justin – When you’re called “BUTTERFACE”, it’s n0t a compliment. It’s short for – “Everything’s pretty BUT HER FACE.”
  8. Daisy6 – During college, there were 2 girls we used call “wacky”, because their eyebrows were tattoos, they don’t have kilay. That’s why it’s “wacky” = “walang kilay”.
  9. tyroncaliente – We call someone wearing tight pants, “boy piso”. Sa sikip ng pantalon, pati bigote ni rizal sa pisong nasa bulsa, nakabakat.
  10. Astroboy – “Taong uy-ay”: Pag nakatalikod, “Uy!” Pag humarap, “Ay…”
  11. No name – “PPPP” means, papalapit ng papalapit, papanget ng papanget.
  12. Elanor – In Clueless, Cher said, “She’s a Monet. From far away it’s okay, but up close it’s a big old mess.”
  13. John 090 – When someone asks about work, tell them, “Ayun, CEO pa din sa company namin.” CEO: Common Employee Only.
  14. Mike Apol – We call ugly spinsters SAMSUNG: SAMa ng mukha, SUNGit pa!
  15. No name – I used to call somebody PITA – Pain In The Ass.
  16. Jose de vengenge – “Jackpot” – Pinay na may boyfriend na foreigner.
  17. Dru – People with bad breath: “Foot In Mouth”.
  18. Espeks/Kebong – Hindi siya janitor, sanitary engineer siya.
  19. angpaghihimagsiknijoeshred – Every morning he woke up “pleasuring the pickle”.
  20. scrambledegg – Sa Pinas, ang “straight acting”, “straight curious”, “straight tripper”, at “swinger”, isa lang ang ibig sabhin: “bakla”.
  21. BertongTigaz – I call girls with very small boobs: “walanjo”, medium sized: “mejo”, big boobs: “mountain jo”.

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