Quizzes for Hearts Day!

How Happy are you? Quiz - Your score is 48 %.

You experience many happy moments

The happy person likes to do useful, productive work, to use his abilities fully. He enjoys helping people, but is not self-sacrificing. At night, sleep researchers have found, he has little trouble falling asleep. He tends to be self-sufficient and can enjoy both solitude and company but is dependent on neither. Generally, he's orderly and punctual.

Though tolerant of people's minor flaws, the happy person dislikes cruelty and destructiveness. He is healthy, has no hang-ups about prosperity, and refuses to participate in other people's negative emotions - or cling to his own. When choosing a mate, he will pick a congenial, compatible, figure rather than someone romantic and glamorous. Like many busy, absorbed people, he feels days pass quickly, though in large units - weeks, months, years- time may seem endless. Finally, the happy person has a sense of progress, improvement, of getting somewhere.

Link: http://www.gagirl.com/quiz/happy.html

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Who's your leading man? - Test results

For 40 % you are: Dimitri! He's strong and handsome and knows that you can't be together, but you love each other more then anything and would never stop. He makes sure you stay out of trouble but sometimes if he's in it, you just have to help and would risk your life for his. He would do the same for you.
34.0858 % of 1329 Quiz participants had this profile!

Link: http://www.allthetests.com/quiz26/quiz/1264462197/Whos-your-leading-man

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Ladies, who is your famous match? - Test results

For 30 % you are: Derek Hough:.
A very talented dancer on the hit show, Dancing with the Stars. He's absolutely the funniest person I've ever seen...and very sweet too.
21.8920 % of 5317 Quiz participants had this profile!

You could also get this result:
For 20 % you are: James Marsden:.

So cute, and so playful. Known for his role in movies like "27 Dresses"<--Go watch it now. Or even this one:
For 20 % you are: Adrian Grenier:.

Who can resist that smile and sweet-heart attitude, not to mention that exotic look of his.

Or even this one:
For 20 % you are: Leonardo DiCaprio:.

An amazing actor who is very kind hearted.

Known for his role in "Titanic"<--Go watch it now. Or even this one:
For 10 % you are: Josh Holloway:.

One of the leading men in the hit show "LOST". He's known for his bad boy role on TV, but is very sweet and such a family man in real life...

Your profile is 100% 75% 50% 25% Profile A B C D E

Our users got the following profiles 100% 75% 50% 25% Profile A B C D E

Link: http://www.allthetests.com/quiz26/quiz/1264727702/Ladies-who-is-your-famous-match

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What is your dream guy? - Test results

For 40 % you are: If you mostly C's your dream guy is Justin Bieber. You both love to sing and care about others. You don't like to brag a lot, either.
37.4554 % of 3081 Quiz participants had this profile!

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Are You A Babe? Quiz

You are a Babe! You are very appealing to a man and have great inner beauty and strength as well as physical attractiveness. You take pride in your appearance and like a man who appreciates it! You like being accepted as a person rather than a sex symbol and you like a man who is intelligent as well as good looking.

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Ice Cream Personality Quiz -

A: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

You're a natural leader, and always aim high. A total go-getter, you won't give up until you've achieved all that you wanted to do!

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Chocolate Personality Quiz -

A: Butterfinger Candy Bar

Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

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Pizza Personality Quiz - A: "New York-style" Pizza

You are a traditionalists at heart. You enjoy spending time with your family and enjoy playing sports on the weekends. The movies you prefer are action-adventure or comedy. You're known to others as the "Brainiac."

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Shower Personality Quiz - A: hair first.

Those who wash their hair first are the artistic type. Daydreaming is your hobby but you can achieve what most other people cannot. Dedication is lacking but you will work tirelessly towards goals which are to your liking. Money is not important to you. Friends are but only intellectuals and fellow artistic types. You make the best lover as you are most willing to explore and please your partner. Talent is your main strength. Your best partner in life will be those who chose chest.

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Sleep Personality Quiz - A: freefaller

People who sleep in the freefaller position:

Hold strong beliefs and try to have everything done precisely the way they want. Are tense, focused, and stubborn. Are passionate about everything they do. Are outgoing and brash, they tend to shock those who know them well. Tend to be selfish. They are the most likely type to hog the covers. Are sensitive to criticism. Gravitate toward comfort and cannot handle tense or dramatic situations.

20 excuses why i walk out on you

20. you're not talking to me.
19. i'm talking to you and still you're not talking back.
18. i'm asking a question and your best answer is a snore.
17. i look at you and you turn to your pillow.
16. i laugh with you and then after a while you laugh at me.
15. i cry and you just wait and see till i stop.
14. i still want to talk and you still want to sleep.
13. i get sick and the only thing you mean to do is tell me to take care of myself.
12. you are insanely funny, ambitious, adventurous and unbelieavably full of life out with them but when you're alone with me you're a clam.
11. your idea of a joke is about me and my pathetic height.
10. you think it's always about you.
09. you think it's always about me.
08. you don't think it's about us.
07. you don't think i understand.
06. you don't think i feel the same.
05. you don't know the essence of "right timing"
04. you think you're right.
03. you think i'm wrong.
02. you stop listening.
01. you allow me to walk out on you.

Bob Ong Quotes

Idol ko si Bob Ong. Nung mabasa ko yung mga libro nya - ABNKKBSNPLAko, Stainless Longganisa, Ang Paboritong Libro Ni Hudas, atbp. - ay agad akong naka-relate sa kanya.

Isang araw habang nag su-surf ako ng kung ano ano sa hinalipak na internet na yan na walang ginawa kundi sayangin ang oras ko ay namatyagan ko ang mga quotes daw ni Bob Ong. Kinopya ko at balak kong i-forward sa mga ofismeyt kong napapraning na katatrabaho kaso nakalimutan ko.

Ngayun, imbes na i-forward ko sa email, eto at ipinost ko na lang dito sa blog ko. Gusto ko sanang banggitin kung saan blog ko nakopya pero nalimutan ko na... tsaka kinopya din lang naman nya to e. Di ko nais na nakawin ito sa idol ko, kasi para sakin ito'y isang paraan lamang din ng pagtangkilik. Sa mga babasa, bilhin nyo ang libro niya at sigurado akong mauutot kayo sa katatawa.

Dito, maaari kang tumawa, maaari kang umiyak, or matulala kakaisip sa mga bawat linyang mababasa. Pwede mong gamiting status sa Facebook at Plurk mo or i-repost sa sarili mong blog. Wag na wag ka lang papahuli sa IT department nyo. Kasi yari ka! Kaya eto na...

PAG-IBIG

“Kung hindi mo mahal and isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para
mahalin ka nya..”

“Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pag tinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga
lang, hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon.”

“Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak
para alagaan ang sarili mo.”

“Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”

“Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

“Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.”

“Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung
walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.”

“Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay
mo..Dapat lumandi ka din.”

“Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na
araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.”

“Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi
pagkukusa.”

“Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin
na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang.”

“Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pag
natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?”

“Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na
sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang
makasama ka.”

“Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang
puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo.
Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang
hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit?
Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo
sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang
tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa
lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”

PAG-AARAL

“Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, manghihinayang ka
pagtanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga
araw na walang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher.
(Haaay, sarap!).”

“Nalaman kong marami palang libreng lecture sa mundo, ikaw ang gagawa ng
syllabus. Maraming teacher sa labas ng eskuwelahan, desisyon mo kung
kanino ka magpapaturo. Lahat tayo enrolled ngayon sa isang university,
maraming subject na mahirap, pero dahil libre, ikaw ang talo kung
nag-drop ka. Isa-isa tayong ga-graduate, iba’t-ibang paraan. tanging
diploma ay ang mga alaala ng kung ano mang tulong o pagmamahal ang
iniwan natin sa mundong pinangarap nating baguhin minsan…”

“Hikayatin mo lahat ng kakilala mo na magkaroon ng kahit isa man lang
paboritong libro sa buhay nila. Dahil wala nang mas kawawa pa sa mga
taong literado pero hindi nagbabasa.”

“dalawang dekada ka lang mag-aaral. kung ‘di mo pagtityagaan, limang
dekada ng kahirapan ang kapalit. sobrang lugi. kung alam lang ‘yan ng
mga kabataan, sa pananaw ko ehh walang gugustuhing umiwas sa eskwela.”

BUHAY

“nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito
multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-
blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan
ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may
kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures.”

“Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang
nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang
umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung
saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan.”

“Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya,
palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may
pagkukulang sa’yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde.
Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng
buhok sa kili-kili. Sa banding huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng
walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili.”

“Tuparin ang mga pangarap. Obligasyon mo yan sa sarili mo. Kung gusto mo
mang kumain ng balde-baldeng lupa para malagay ka sa Guinness Book of
World Records at maipagmalaki ng bansa natin, sige lang. Nosi balasi.
wag mong pansinin ang sasabihin ng mga taong susubok humarang sa’yo.
Kung hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon, hindi pa rin tayo dapat
nakatira sa jupiter ngayon. Pero hindi pa rin naman talaga tayo nakatira
sa jupiter dahil nga hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon. Kita mo
yung moral lesson?”

“Nalaman kong habang lumalaki ka, maraming beses kang madadapa. Bumangon
ka man ulit o hindi, magpapatuloy ang buhay, iikot ang mundo, at mauubos
ang oras.”

HALO-HALO

“Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima , sampung taon sa hinaharap,
mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ng
kapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o magaling
mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman.
Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e
nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka.”

“ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko.”

“hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?”

“hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay ay
kasinungalingan na ito. at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay
katotohanan. ”

“Sabi nila, sa kahit ano raw problema, isang tao lang ang makakatulong
sa’yo - ang sarili mo. Tama sila. Isinuplong ako ng sarili ko. Kaya siguro
namigay ng konsyensya ang Diyos, alam niyang hindi sa lahat ng oras e
gumagana ang utak ng tao.”

“Obligasyon kong maglayag, karapatan kong pumunta sa kung saan ko gusto,
responsibilidad ko ang buhay ko.”

“Masama akong tao, tulad mo, sa parehong paraan na mabuti kang tao,
tulad ko.”

“Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa
paggawa ng wala.”

“iba ang walang ginagawa sa gumagawa ng wala.”

“iba ang informal gramar sa mali !!!”

” Para san ba ang cellphone na may camera? Kung kailangan sa buhay yun,
dapat matagal na kong patay.”

“Pare, isa kang totoong tao at walang halong kasinungalingan. In
English, FACT you, pare. Totoo ka. In English, FACT you!”

Top Ten Lists of All Those Sh!t That Really Made My Day =)

The Top Ten Bloopers – Astroboy.

1. No name/Richard – During a game show. Host: “Pagkain na mabaho.” Tessa Prieto: “Tae!”
2. No name/Elec – Weakest Link. Edu: “Ano mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol na tao?” Contestant: “Itlog ng tao!”
3. Knightwing/Jorik – Me, at a drive-thru: “Miss puwede takeout?”
4. Jo – Starlet promoting her new movie: “Showing na po and pelikula namin on the twenty-twoth of May!” (May 22)
5. Zeni – Lady offering to switch chicken parts with a priest who got the neck part: “Father, you want my breast?”
6. Racer – At a call center. HR: “Walk-in?” Applicant: “No, commute.”
7. Taurean Tiger/Specialist – Secretary on the phone: “Mr. Manalo is out of town eh, would you like to wait?”
8. Paul – Pinay with foreigner in a resto: “(burps) Wow, I’m fed up already!”
9. Astroboy – Host: “Ano ang kasunod ng kidlat?” Contestant: “Sunog!”
10. Astroboy – Host: “Ano ang inaayos sa hangar?” Contestant: “Yung sira!”
11. No name – My sister in a fancy resto: “Ang lamb chops ba gawa sa GOAT?”
12. His Cuteness – Mom on the phone with her daughter. Mom: “O anak, nasaan ka na?” Daughetr: “Sa ospital po.” Mom: “(panics) ANO?!? Diyos ko anak, ano nangyari?” Daughter: “Nay, nurse po ako.”
13. Specialist – Friend ordering at a burger joint: “Miss, isang burger with cheese, at isang meron.”
14. Frederique – Ordering at a dimsum resto: “Miss, isa ngang siomao, este, siopai! Sige, mami na lang…”
15. No name – Officemate buying snacks: “Bayad, etong neneng ko.”
16. Calypso – Friend talking on his cellphone: “Hello? HELLO?!? Ano ba to, call o text?”
17. No name – Game Ka Na Ba. Kris: “Ano ang tawag sa daliri sa paa?” Angelica Jones: “Fingerlings!”
18. AJ – Friend: “Ang favorite kong band, yung Spongebob Cola!”
19. Strike – I work at a hospital. One day, a man barged into the ER with a huge wound slashed across his neck, with blood spurting all over! One nurse approached him and calmly asked: “Ano po ang problema?”
20. Shy Guy 79 – Friend ordering: “Miss isang breast, puwede yung kaliwa?”
21. Ayti-Eyti/Specialist/Rodel – At a beauty pageant. Host: “What part of the Philippines would you promote to foreigner?” Girl: “Bocaue.” Host: “Why?” Girl: “Because of the Bocaue Rice Terraces.”
22. Abby – At a fastfood. Me: “Miss, isa ngang fork.” Countergirl: “Ano fong klaseng fork. emfanada?”

Top Ten Driver/Barker Quotes - Astro Boy

1. Lekizz – The driver told the passengers: “Pasok pa, maluwag pa yan, parang galing Japan!”
2. Ogs – I rode a tricycle and told the driver: “Lakad na po tayo.” He said: “Gusto mo palang maglakad, eh bakit ka sumakay ng tricycle?”
3. No name – My tita rode a jeep. Tita: “Mama bayad!” Driver: “Ilan po ‘to?” Tita: “Dalawa, may niyog!”
4. Voxby – My friend: “Mama tabi lang po sa may shed!” Driver: “Do you mean, sa may ‘waiting shade’?”
5. Abernathy – Passenger asked the driver to stop because he had to pee. After, he said: Pasensiya na po, kasi maliit talaga pantog ko.” The driver said: “Ako din nga eh, kaya laging nagrereklamo si misis…”
6. Dona – A co-passenger in a jeep told the driver: “Mama para po sa tapat ng kambing!” When the goat started to run, the driver kept following it. When the passenger said: “Para! Lampas na ko!” The driver said: “Hindi ka pa lampas, kasi eto pa yung kambing!”
7. JKB – I paid 500 pesos so the driver asked if I had smaller bills. I said: “Wala na po akong mas maliit.” The driver said: “Ows…pramis? Sige nga, pakapkap!”
8. Geek In Pink – The barker was shouting: “Pito pa! Pito pa!” The a really fat guy rode on the jeep. After the barker shouted: “Lima nalang! Lima nalang!”
9. Lavander lady – There was a lady on the jeep who asked the driver: “Manong, magkano po Quiapo?” Driver: “Bakit, bibilhin mo?”
10. Ogs – Barker at MOA: “Isa nalang, isa nalang…yung walang friend!”
11. Ilagan/Jafruity – Guy: “Mama, bayad!” Driver: “Saan galing?” Guy: “Sa akin.” Driver: “Saan papunta?” Guy: “Sa inyo.”
12. Tikboy – A guard at the gate asked our driver: “Saan po tayo, ser?” Our driver answered: “Kami lang, hindi ka kasama.”
13. Ronald – A foreigner asked: “How far from baguio?” Driver said: “Day here, night there!” (What he meant was, you’ll leave here in the morning, you’ll get there at night)
14. Rexxx – In Pamapanga, there’s a minibus w/c has labels for its seats, on the left side: “DITO MAGAGANDA” and on the right side: “DITO MGA PANGIT”. When the driver saw that everyone sat on the left side, he said: “Asuuuuuuuuuuuus!”
15. Yunix – A sign on a jeep: “Pag sa jeep naidlip, malayo ang mararating.”
16. Smiles-a-lot – During a sharp turn, the jeepney driver shouted: “Kapit lang po sa matigas!”
17. Oscar dela Hopia – Driver: “Ang di pa nagbabayad magbayad na! Wala nang libre ngayon! Kahit nga ang pag-ibig…may kabayaran na…”
18. Geyp – Taxi driver was telling us he used to be a family driver. When we asked why the shift, she sadly said: “Kasi po naging crush ko sa ma’am…”
19. Chill – Woman said before boarding the jeep: “Palengke po?” Driver answered: “Hindi, jeepney.”
20. Jlaw – Driver: “Upong ipit-itlog lang po!”
21. Denxio – Me: “Isang blumentritt, dalawang recto, at dalawang carriedo.” Driver: “Dine-in o take-out?”
22. Smiles-a-lot – When the driver or the conductor says: “Mag-ingat lang po sa mandurukot!” It means a known pickpocket just boarded the bus or jeepney.
23. RC and Cess – A friend asked the taxi driver, referring to the meter: “Boss magkano patong niyo?” Driver: “Miss ha, naughty ka! Pero para sa yo, libre na patong ko.”
24. Rohan – From a mini-cooper owner: “It takes a real man to drive a small car.”
25. Kikoman – We told the manong driver to drop us off at the bonfire. He said: “Takot ako sa bonfire…naninipsip ng dugo.”
26. Geryl – Woman: “Manong, dadaan kayong ilog?” Driver: “Hindi sa ilog, sa tulay lang.”
27. Specialist – Driver went to a drive-thru and told the cashier: “Miss, isang regular yum with cheese…at isang meron.”
28. RC and Cess – Taxi driver said to the gas boy: “Full tank, 200 pesos.” (Paano kaya yun?)
29. LilRedShingNips – Driver: “Sinong bababa sa IBON?” Nobody had any idea what he meant, until he stopped in front of AVON.
30. Rustom – While I was driving, we saw some monkeys on the road. So I joked to my wife: “Hon o, mga relatives mo!” She answered: “Oo nga no, mga in-laws ko!”

Top Ten Dumbest Things You Heard Anyone Say in School

1. Infrared – Religion teacher: “Let us all close our eyes and sing,’Open Our Eyes Lord’.”
2. Carmine – Teacher: “When the odds are against me…I will against them!”
3. Specialist – Our teacher showed us a picture of a dog then asked: “Class, what breed is this dog? Japanese Speech or Cocker Spaniard?”
4. Mira Nova – Our teacher once said: “Okey sinong mga absent, itaas ang kamay!”
5. Brie – Teacher: “It happened both in the 1st and 2nd World War II.”
6. Pawee – Our teacher once said: “If I catch you cheating, I will give you additional minus!”
7. No name – We asked our teacher who just came from vacation: “Sir, kelan kayo bumalik?” His answer: “Bukas!”
8. Nash – Prof in hydrology: “Malls now are using waterless urine!” (waterless urinals)
9. Abernathy – We asked our music teacher: “Can you differentiate major and minor chords?” She answered: “Yes you can, they’re different.”
10. Oscar Dela Hopia – Teacher: “Get one whole sheet of pad paper.” Classmate: “Ma’am, crosswise or lengthwise?”
11. Cha Park – During an exam our prof said: “Time’s up! Come to me, papers!”
12. Mr Miser – After singing our Alma Mater song, a classmate asked our teacher: “Ma’am sino ba si Alma Mater?” Our teacher answered: “Si ano…si kwan…si Madam Principal.”
13. Girltemperamental – Our math teacher entered the classroom and said: “Get out…get out…”, so we started exiting one by one. Then he said: “Where are you going?” We answered: “Sir, you said get out.” He said angrily: “I wasn’t finished! I was going to say, get out your calculators!”
14. Abernathy – Teacher: “Class, you know jumping jack? You know, you open the box and jack will jump?”
15. Tyron – A classmate asked our teacher: “Ma’am, namamana po ba ang pagka-baog?”
16. Mr. Perk – Teacher: “Spell orange.” Classmate: “Sir, yung color o yung fruit?”
17. Xuxalera – Early Monday, our teacher barged into our classroom: “Sinong naglagay ng munggo sa aquarium? Ayan, puro toge!!!”
18. Jorik – Our English teacher told us: “Today we will only speak English. Maliwanag?”
19. Cherry – A classmate told me: “Ay ang cute ng mga sintas mo, luminou!” I corrected her: “Luminous!” She said: “Ay, oo nga pala, plural…”
20. No name – Our teacher asked us to bring colored puto. So the next day, we all bought from Goldilocks their colored puto. Our teacher was so angry. He yelled: “I said bring colored puto! Colored putograp!”
21. Mickey – Teacher: “Class we have a spelling exam today.” Classmate: “Ma’am, wrong spelling wrong?”
22. Febkinse – Teacher: “Class give me an example of a tag question.” Classmate: “Teacher is beautiful, isn’t she?” Teacher: “VERY GOOD! Okay, sa Tagalog naman.” Classmate: “Si Ma’am maganda, hindi naman diba?”
23. Poohbear – Teacher: “The classroom is so dirty! Get a broom and broom the room!” (kumuha ka ng walis at walisin mo ang silid)
24. No name – Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking even when people are no longer interested?” Classmate: “A teacher?” Ayun, instant quiz.
25. Sasha Purse – Teacher: “May piraso ako ng baboy, hinati ko sa dalawa. At bawat piraso hinati ulit sa dalawa. At bawat piraso hinati ulit sa dalawa ng 16 pang beses. Meron akong…” Classmate: “Ma’am giniling!”
26. Antidote – During a cultural program, our teacher gave instructions: “Lahat ng lalaki magbabahag! Kahit anong kulay, basta red!”
27. Kolboy13 – We were grouping ourselves into 6 groups, but group 6 was incomplete. Our teacher with a heavy accent asked: “O, sino pang gustong sumali sa group sex?”
28. Acer’s Wifey – In our marketing class, our teacher gave an example of a product warning: “Cigarette is bad for smoking.”
29. Lockon Stratos – Teacher: “Sinong may alam ng sagot sa equation na ito?” Classmate: “Ma’am kayo!”
30. Febkinse – Teacher: “Class, anong kaibahan ng 69 sa 6.9?” Student: “Ma’am yung 6.9 mas kadiri kasi may period.”

Top Ten Celebrity Jokes

1. No name – Erap was singing: “Put your left feet in, then put your left feet out…” Jinggoy: “Dad, dapat foot.” Erap: “Ay oo nga, sori. Foot your left feet in, then foot your left feet out…”
2. OscarDelaHopia – Pacman: “Nars, gib me samting por my pain!” Nurse: “Okay sir, I’ll give you morphine” Pacman: “No, no! I want less pain, not more pain!”
3. Hoypunks – Jinggoy: “Dad, anong spelling ng ‘success’, dobol S ba?” Erap: “Naku, ewan ko anak, tatluhin mo na, para sigurado!”
4. Rehaz – (Nasusunog yung bahay ni Erap at Loi sa U.S.) Loi: “Tawagan mo yung emrgency number!” Erap: “Teka! Nahanap ko na yung 9, pero di ko mahanap yung 11!”
5. Fratman – Erap: “Hindi maganda itong nabili mong sabon, ayaw bumula!” Loi: “Eh bakit naman kasi ayaw mong basain muna?” Erap: “Hello? Nakalagay nga ‘for dry skin’ only!”
6. Zeni Grand – Not a joke, but it sounds like one. I saw Alma Moreno being interviewed on TV. Host: “Ano naman ang specialty mo sa pagluluto?” Alma: “Mostly Chinese diseases…”
7. Andee – Erap: “Hon, na-carnap yung kotse natin!” Loi: “Nahabol mo?” Erap: “Hindi, pero nakuha ko yung plate number!”
8. Boknoi – Friend: “Pare, saan ka nanggaling?” Pepe Pimentel: “Sa libing ng biyenan ko.” Friend: “Eh bakit ang dami mong kalmot?” Pepe: “Lumaban eh…”
9. Sakura – “It’s one, in one.” Manny Pacquiao on the latest deadly virus (H1N1)
10. Numbynacky – (During a funeral) Erap: “Anak, bilis, lumabas tayo agad! Wag tayong paiiwan!” Jinggoy: “Bakit po?” Erap: “Ayan o, nakalagay, ‘REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED”.”
11. Ralph Waldo – A woman comes up to Melanie Marquez and shouts: “Hey bitch!” Melanie shoots back: “Don’t you EVER call me HEY!”
12. Glennmich – “Noodle! Noodle!” Manny Pacquiao playing “Deal Or No Deal”.
13. No name – Erap texts Jinggoy the following message: “Anak, naiwan mo cellphone mo dito sa bahay.”
14. Neo MD – “Hidden Soldiers!” Manny Pacquiaowhen he was asked what’s the world’s number one anti-dandruff shampoo.
15. KiD BuKid – Teacher: “What is the scientific name of the female sex organ?” Erap: “I know this…it’s at the tip of my tongue…”
16. Bebe – “Toilet! Toilet!” Manny Pacquiao when asked which movie had Edward and Bella as the lead characters.
17. Glennford – (An exchange of texts between Erap and Loi) Erap: “Pa-pasaload naman ng 2 pesos, kasi last text ko na ‘to, may kailangan lang akong i-text.” (Loi sends 2 pesos) Erap: “Tnx!” Loi: “Wag mo na kong i-text!” Erap: “K!”
18. Aynluvcookies – Jinggoy: “Dad, pasilip nga kung sira yung signal light.” (Erap puts his head out the window of the car) Erap: “Sira nga! Ay, ayos pala! Ay teka, sira nanaman! Ayan, ayos nanaman…”
19. Aynluvcookies – Alma: “One burger please!” Waiter: “With pleasure, ma’am.” Alma: “No, with ketchup.”
20. Isenhart – Reporter: “Anong pasalubong mo kay Jinky?” Manny: “Ibon!” Reporter: “Ha? Anong klase?” Manny: “Mik-ap, lipstik, iba-ibang Ibon products!”
21. Jerguin – Alma: “Doc, si joey po laging sumisigaw pag nagka-climax siya!” Doc: “O, normal lang yun.” Alma: “Eh, nagigising po ako eh!”
22. RC and Cess – Q: “Bakit hindi nagsusuot ng grass skirt si Mahal?” A: “Kasi nagmumukha siyang sipa.”
23. Boknoi – Q: “Bakit hindi nagsusuot ng turtleneck si Bembol Roco?” A: “Kasi nagmumukha siyang roll-on.”
    
24. Japo – Q: “Anong title nung children’s album na ginawa ng Goo Goo Dolls at ni Lady Gaga?” A: “Goo Goo Gaga.”
25. Sasha Purse – Jinggoy: “Dad, bakit ang barko lumulutang sa tubig pero ang karayom lumulubog?” Erap: “Duh! Yung karayom may butas!”
26. Boknoi – (Alma Moreno called Philippine Airlines) Alma: “How long is the flight from Manila to Vancouver?” The person on the other line said: “Just a minute, ma’am…” Alma: “Wow, ang bilis lang pala!” (then puts the phone down).
27. Bebe – The Abu Sayyaf were looking for FVR, GMA and Erap, who all hid inside a sack each. The rebels kicked FVR’s sack, and FVR said: “Arf! Arf!” The rebels moved to GMA’s sack and kicked it, GMA said: “Meow! Meow!” The rebels moved to Erap’s sack and kicked it, and Erap said: “Patatas! Patatas!”

The Top Ten “Mag-Tagalog Ka Na Lang!” Quotes – Agent 2B

1. Biboy Blue – While our teacher was swriting on the board, someone threw paper at him. He turned around and shouted, “Hudas dat person dat did dat?”
2. Beb Ni Tykes – When my mom was in a spa, the masseuse asked, “Swedish or Thai?” My mom answered, “I’m Pinoy!”
3. Honbee – When I arrived late at friend’s house, he asked, “Have you been eaten?”
4. Ferdz – From a high school classmate: “Simple problem you cannot solution? How can you graduation?”
5. Wowie – From a sosyalerang panget on a jeep: “Driver, payment!”
6. No name – An officemate during a meeting – “I second emotion!”
7. Sundowner – A beauty contestant when asked what would she advocate should she win: “I want to promote drug abuse!”
8. Sundowner – Same beauty contest, same question, different contestant: “I will donate trash to every barangay!”
9. Jose de vengenge – Host: “How will you describe the color blue to a blind man?” Beauty contestant: “Good question, keep it up! I thank you.”
10. Jose de vengenge – Host: “What makes you blush?” Beauty contestant: “Blush-on?”
11. Jose de vengenge – Host: “What is the youth’s biggest problem today?” Contestant: “Drugs.” Host: “Why?” Contestant: “Mahal eh!”
12. Scrambledegg – “You can fool me once, you can fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice, but you can never fool me four!”
13. Filthy Rich Beggar – An officemate arguing on the phone: “I called you three times! No ha, no ho!” (Ni ha, ni ho)
14. No name – My angry boss when I took half the day off: “Where did you been?”
15. Ishi – Our English teacher: “I have a son. My son is a boy.”
16. Astroboy – Dude 1: “What’s the difference between H2O and CO2?” Dude 2: “H2O is water, CO2 is COLD water!”
17. Astroboy – Teacher: “Define ethics.” Student: “Ethics are smaller than ducks.”
    
18. No name – Over the PA system at the airport: “Passengers please proceed to git it. I ripit, git it.” (“gate 8″)
19. Dru – I get this all the time when I ask applicants: “How do you want me to call you?” Applicant: “Uhm…cellphone?”
20. Scully – A high school classmate: “We own a boutique. You know, where you buy medicine?”
21. No name – When I introduced my twin sister to my high school teacher, she asked, “You’re twins? Since when?”
22. RhachaeL_Leigh – College professor: “What you are I was. What I am you will.”
23. Myra – When our secretary got a call looking for a lady who was in a meeting with the boss in his room, the secretary said, “She is inside her boss.”
24. No name – Calendar Girl: “I will win because I have da 3 “V’s”. Vivacious, Vyootipul, Very Okay.”

The Top Ten Euphemisms

1. Caloy 311 – In our barkada, the term we use for girls who are hot, flirty and bitchy, is “subterranean”. It’s a euphemism for “sarap tirahin yan”.
2. Dyn – We had a prof in college who we called Pocahontas because she looks like a pokpok.
3. Astroboy – Percussive maintenance – the art of whacking an electronic device for it to work again.
4. JoeCool – He’s not losing hair, he’s gaining face!
5. Peo – Tagalog euphemism for panty its “salung-guhit”.
6. Astroboy – I’m not unemployed…I’m a job seeker!
7. DatgurL/Justin – When you’re called “BUTTERFACE”, it’s n0t a compliment. It’s short for – “Everything’s pretty BUT HER FACE.”
8. Daisy6 – During college, there were 2 girls we used call “wacky”, because their eyebrows were tattoos, they don’t have kilay. That’s why it’s “wacky” = “walang kilay”.
9. tyroncaliente – We call someone wearing tight pants, “boy piso”. Sa sikip ng pantalon, pati bigote ni rizal sa pisong nasa bulsa, nakabakat.
10. Astroboy – “Taong uy-ay”: Pag nakatalikod, “Uy!” Pag humarap, “Ay…”
11. No name – “PPPP” means, papalapit ng papalapit, papanget ng papanget.
12. Elanor – In Clueless, Cher said, “She’s a Monet. From far away it’s okay, but up close it’s a big old mess.”
13. John 090 – When someone asks about work, tell them, “Ayun, CEO pa din sa company namin.” CEO: Common Employee Only.
14. Mike Apol – We call ugly spinsters SAMSUNG: SAMa ng mukha, SUNGit pa!
15. No name – I used to call somebody PITA – Pain In The Ass.
16. Jose de vengenge – “Jackpot” – Pinay na may boyfriend na foreigner.
17. Dru – People with bad breath: “Foot In Mouth”.
18. Espeks/Kebong – Hindi siya janitor, sanitary engineer siya.
19. angpaghihimagsiknijoeshred – Every morning he woke up “pleasuring the pickle”.
20. scrambledegg – Sa Pinas, ang “straight acting”, “straight curious”, “straight tripper”, at “swinger”, isa lang ang ibig sabhin: “bakla”.
21. BertongTigaz – I call girls with very small boobs: “walanjo”, medium sized: “mejo”, big boobs: “mountain jo”.

Don't Take What's Not Yours!

You shouldn't have taken what is not yours.
You should've asked first.
Oh.
But this isn't for the thief.
This is for the one who assumes she was the victim of a thief.
Oh.
Gloomy instance upon opening the fridge.
Where it had been there.
Where I faced my nightmare.
Oh.
Oh, it was hard to believe that you're gone.
But as I walked away I realized
It's owning something that is not yours is what's wrong.
Oh.
If it's in the fridge, it could be free for all.
So take it, but just don't get caught.
But if the fridge is at your friend's house, all you could've done is sneak it out of the carton and hide behind the door.
Oh.
Now I learn.
That if you want it, take it.
You need it, get it.
Or be tickled pink.
Now or never.
Lethal is the word later.
I don't know what's the matter
But I JUST WANT YOU TO BRING BACK THAT SANSRIVAL CAKE ON THE PLATTER!

A hormonal imbalanced episode of my life. Sorry people.