I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and that's my biggest issue right now. I think too much. Some times, I want to quit thinking and just go to sleep. But there are just so many things I want to be answered before I go to sleep or it would be so impossible for me to sleep at all.

Last night it was about Vince again. Vince, was there ever a time I stopped thinking of this guy? Well, taking out my bragging rights, yes, there was. And it was during that time he broke up with me. I went out for weeks not thinking of him or whether he's gonna text me or not. Anyway, I made it then. But now, how come I counldn't stop thinking of him again?

I called his home phone and I was told he was not home for almost 3days. To my utter disbelief I was somehow relieve to know this. I don't know why but a couple of days he stopped texting me I was worried like hell! But now, without batting an eyelash I put down the phone and went back to my room and continued watching How I met your Mother.

Oddly as it may sound this wasn't the best part yet. The best part is the morning after.

I woke up at around seven in the morning feeling so heavy. I was sick beyond knowing. My head hurts like hell and my eyes stings. I wonder what I had done the night before, I told myself. I went into a recollection.

So I recalled the time when I got the text that the man who toured the world in 3days (Vince) has already arrived. I was told not to interfere with this homecoming scene for shortly there will be a meeting between him and the task force about his untold intensions for this quest. I sense a bitter note in that remark and so I took my leave from the exchange of text messages and sent my regards instead. It was still early then so I waited for news. I tried ever so hard to keep myself awake in case the ever so noble Man of the greatest conquest in history is to realize my existence and his longingness for my presence, but sadly there was none. I waited, hours and hours, tears after uncontrollable tears, thoughts after miserables thoughts and so on. To end this, I don't know.

To end this, until now I haven't heard from this man. And so whatever has happened to him in that 3 days I'm not sure I'd still be able to tell you what.

Long walks

I was with some friends. We were headed to the mall. As we walk I notice them in pairs. I was the only one walking alone.

I was window shopping at the mall yesterday. Pay day sickness. I ran into a shop with a nice display of a blue shirt that has a huge print of HUGS NOT DRUGS. I thought, a person like me has to buy this shirt, pronto!

I overslept last night and just realized I have to go to work today. When I'm all done I walked from our house to the Subdivision gate which was like a thousand miles away. Next time I'll sign up for a walkathon.

I was walking my way to work. Mp3 music playing in my ears - Thinking of you by Katie Perry. (sshhh...I'm trying to concentrate here)

I walked in to the coffee shop, alone. Not a single intension of buying coffee today came to me, I was even craving for a gelato. I came to meet a friend. I left the shop drinking twice the amount of coffee I needed.

I walk home a bag full of dress at hand. As I went to my room, fitted the pretty little dresses I started to frown. They're in black in white.

~~~

What used to be a bad idea came out to be the best solution ever

Things I learned about myself when I broke-up with Vince (not really the good stuff):
1. I'm not really a well-rounded person.
2. I can't tell a good joke.
3. I eat triple my size and its bad for me, especially when you look at my family's dietary history.
4. I have fat legs.
5. I'm the smallest person on earth.
6. I have the worst singing voice.
7. The books I've read is nothing compared to the long list of books he have had and lost.
8. Foreign music is not called music at all.
9. When I complain I'm just being papansin and nagddrama.
10. I have mood swings as often as you've never imagined.

Things I learned about myself when I broke-up with Vince (the really good stuff):
1. I am the luckiest person on earth.
2. I have a beautiful speaking voice.
3. Holding hands can do wonders.
4. My eyes can say a lot but his lips can express the best things ever.
5. I can skate!
6. I can cook!
7. I am sexy (?) <- still thinking about this 8. I can finish my book even if I've lost the manuscript for the nth time. 9. ...that I have to try and understand the situation first before I start reacting. 10. That friendship is to be kept whatever happens. 11. I can be a faithful, sweet, loyal, loving, thoughtful, sincere, helpful and trusting girlfriend.

You've taken good care of me, always been there for me
Boy, I can't bear to leave cause I need your therapy
You've given me everything, so much I ever cold need
Without you I'm weak in the knees, I need your therapy


V-A

Undone

The worse has happened like it has never happened before and though I saw this coming I wasn't looking when it struck me down. I've never seen so much failure in my life until yesterday and I just couldn't believe what I'm seeing. The defeat on life and on love.

The news came in last night. And as I have predicted of what my reactions would be when this time comes, I cried like a child. I bowled over until I realized, or I should say Vince has realized and yanked me out of it, that I should start thinking of something to do to work my way out of this, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

You know the problem with me is that all my life I've been trying to be tough and I try to give so much effort on things which for me are valuable so I could get what I need, but that's not really the problem you see. The problem is I'm tired.

In the same way that I realize what my problem was I also came to the conclusion that I can no longer fight this. The desire and the capacity to fight and get over with this mess came too short to my brain that even if I was feeling the need to do so with my burning heart I couldn't think of a thing of a way to do as to mean retaliation. So therefore, weakness is a weakness I suppose.

Loving has no guarantees and is unforgiving when you take the fall. I have a problem now with commitment. It's a word that I can't get my mind off and I should know why. This was the issue I had to deal with before I made up my mind and unravel my broken-hearted sigh. But the truth is I still have doubts about my definition of commitment. So why do I have to bring it up anyway and cause such emotional turmoil to the other person involved? The answer needs no rephrasing. I'm tired. Don't bother with the explanation.

As much as I'd like to say that things are gonna be all right, I couldn't. Not today, not tomorrow and not definitely later when I come face to face with my defeat. It will probably be alright if I say its alright, but it won't be that way yet.

Still

I must be damned. Because still I'm in this situation where I know I'd been for the last five years of my life. It's nothing really, only, I think I'm going to be a disaster.