Wednesday, April 7, 2010


The worse has happened like it has never happened before and though I saw this coming I wasn't looking when it struck me down. I've never seen so much failure in my life until yesterday and I just couldn't believe what I'm seeing. The defeat on life and on love.

The news came in last night. And as I have predicted of what my reactions would be when this time comes, I cried like a child. I bowled over until I realized, or I should say Vince has realized and yanked me out of it, that I should start thinking of something to do to work my way out of this, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

You know the problem with me is that all my life I've been trying to be tough and I try to give so much effort on things which for me are valuable so I could get what I need, but that's not really the problem you see. The problem is I'm tired.

In the same way that I realize what my problem was I also came to the conclusion that I can no longer fight this. The desire and the capacity to fight and get over with this mess came too short to my brain that even if I was feeling the need to do so with my burning heart I couldn't think of a thing of a way to do as to mean retaliation. So therefore, weakness is a weakness I suppose.

Loving has no guarantees and is unforgiving when you take the fall. I have a problem now with commitment. It's a word that I can't get my mind off and I should know why. This was the issue I had to deal with before I made up my mind and unravel my broken-hearted sigh. But the truth is I still have doubts about my definition of commitment. So why do I have to bring it up anyway and cause such emotional turmoil to the other person involved? The answer needs no rephrasing. I'm tired. Don't bother with the explanation.

As much as I'd like to say that things are gonna be all right, I couldn't. Not today, not tomorrow and not definitely later when I come face to face with my defeat. It will probably be alright if I say its alright, but it won't be that way yet.


Anonymous said...

why so blue?

aynako said...

Because life wasn't being fair to me when I wrote this.

Anonymous said...

Life is fair... it is just giving you experience for you to be strong ;)

"The purpose in life is to be happy."
- The Dalai Lama

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runner5260 said...

"Commitment" is something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about and battling with--and although I don't know what you're directly dealing with, I recognize that it can be frustrating to figure these things out for yourself. I hope things have been getting better for you since you wrote this..

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