Undone

The worse has happened like it has never happened before and though I saw this coming I wasn't looking when it struck me down. I've never seen so much failure in my life until yesterday and I just couldn't believe what I'm seeing. The defeat on life and on love.

The news came in last night. And as I have predicted of what my reactions would be when this time comes, I cried like a child. I bowled over until I realized, or I should say Vince has realized and yanked me out of it, that I should start thinking of something to do to work my way out of this, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

You know the problem with me is that all my life I've been trying to be tough and I try to give so much effort on things which for me are valuable so I could get what I need, but that's not really the problem you see. The problem is I'm tired.

In the same way that I realize what my problem was I also came to the conclusion that I can no longer fight this. The desire and the capacity to fight and get over with this mess came too short to my brain that even if I was feeling the need to do so with my burning heart I couldn't think of a thing of a way to do as to mean retaliation. So therefore, weakness is a weakness I suppose.

Loving has no guarantees and is unforgiving when you take the fall. I have a problem now with commitment. It's a word that I can't get my mind off and I should know why. This was the issue I had to deal with before I made up my mind and unravel my broken-hearted sigh. But the truth is I still have doubts about my definition of commitment. So why do I have to bring it up anyway and cause such emotional turmoil to the other person involved? The answer needs no rephrasing. I'm tired. Don't bother with the explanation.

As much as I'd like to say that things are gonna be all right, I couldn't. Not today, not tomorrow and not definitely later when I come face to face with my defeat. It will probably be alright if I say its alright, but it won't be that way yet.

Still

I must be damned. Because still I'm in this situation where I know I'd been for the last five years of my life. It's nothing really, only, I think I'm going to be a disaster.

Blueberry Muffins for breakfast

Saturday.

It has been exactly three weeks now since I started working as a student assistant at my colleges' dean's office..and up to now I still have a hard time waking up at 4am just so I can catch the early (but surely) tricycle ride out to the city.

I'm not a morning person. And I don't think anybody is either. But don't get me wrong okay. I mean, I love waking up in the morning and watch the sunrise, warm my face with its glow and baske in its all time glorious beauty. Who doesn't, right?

But who the hell can wake up that early and not wished she could take her pillow to the bathroom and sleep while the water to warms up. I can't imagine someone enjoying an early bath straight from eating breakfast or drinking coffee without gritting my teeth.

Blah.

Anyway, that's just me saying all these silly things. And I blame it on Gardenia's Blueberry Muffins. Why do you have to taste soooo good??? Because of you, now I look forward for breakfasts.

Breaking dishes

And they say there ain't nothing a girl like me can do to terrorize the neighborhood? Think again when my friends and I started having fun. Ha-ha. Just kidding.

Oh, this makes me feel so like LaLohan in Georgia Rule. Only I don't have a mom like Felicity Huffman (damn) and only got a Jane Fonda aunt (minus the body stats). Getting over it then I have to say that this times 'rule breaking' is definitely the most wicked one I'll ever have in my lifetime.

Reverse and then drive off... really fast.

It started when I was vomiting on the floor of the bar and everyone at the table (including my savior V) had to shove me off of the table and in to the unexpected 'getaway car' of Benj. I could hardly make out what was going on outside even if I'd try so hard to put my head out of the open window. The car isn't moving just yet, don't worry. Until I heard someone, probably Arturo (yeah I guess that's his face), said something like "You have to drive the car really fast!"

I thought he just trying to test Benj's agility or something and so I had to laugh. But when Ken got in to my right dragging Noan by the hand and V on my left almost falling on the floor of the car, and Arturo on the passengers seat looking somewhat harassed and finally Rose ducking on top of Benj on the driver's seat, I knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

Or rather stupendously wrong.

We broke off into the night to somewhere just to cool down. I saw crumpled bills on the dashboard of the car and recounted some voices shouting in delight. I had to laugh because I now understand what went wrong. Punks!

Have I told you lately...

...that I'm no good at pretending?

Probably not. But I'm pretty sure that if you've had the chance to sit close to me for at least five minutes (even without talking) you'd tell me I need not say it. But unfortunately for those who had stayed longer than that and still demanded an answer for the question "what the hell is wrong with you?" Think again, my friend.

Because, sadly, you may not be my friend at all.

Anyway........