Si Nightmare at si Puling

For some reasons my younger brother and sister are not home for the summer. They’re in some part of the world, far from the defiant stares of our folks. They say all is good, that they’ll be back before the start of terms (next week). But still nothing’s been the same without them around the house.

I call my brother Nico – Nightmare and my sister Iris – Puling. They’re the cutest for me, both huggable and so entertaining to be with. Nightmare was the one who introduced me to a whole new world of anime, especially Chobits and Naruto, and the one who is to blame for my busted pc. I’d always catch him sneaking around my room to try the newly installed RC games when he thought I’m still asleep and would sometimes try to impress me by creating some photo manipulations in Photoshop. “Hay, kids, always playing on the microphone. Doing things…blah-blah-blah…”

Iris or Puling is the middle child. And as a middle child she’s expected to be the weirdest. Turns out she’s the only one upright. Bash! When we were younger, about like years before Nightmare came, she was my baby. I’d be her super ate in school who’d shoo off her bully classmates tormenting her in the hallways because she’s fat. But now she’s really bigger than me (not to mention looks older) and I am now the one who’s always in trouble looking for cover so I’d just slide behind her when the going gets tough.

I miss my siblings so much now that when I go out of my room and would see the closed doors of Puling’s room and the stashed Naruto DVD’s of Nightmare I’d go like, “Have we grown up that much now or what is just me aging?”

Dream Away

Well, what can I do then, eh? This is now the usual me, unpredictable, unstable, always confused, always wonder, and is close to being so dumb. Yikes! My days were never the same since I left work and chose a laid-off life, unwaged and utterly useless. Must be my head revolting now like saying, "This is not you, Ayin! Get up you lazy fool!" But I really can’t do anything about that now, right? I have a great deal of reasons why I left and one of them is this: My Medical Condition. I have failing Potassium intake and was told to stop fooling myself that I could still get enough from working at night and sleeping in the day. Sleep in the morning isn’t good enough to cover the sleep you’re supposed to do at night, my doctor told me. So just rest on Ayin and take life easy now soon you’ll get better. Go ahead, indulge in that warm and balmy bed of yours let the stars to light your night and the wind from the wide open windows serenade you to sleep until the morning comes to let the daylight in.

Blogthings of Who I am

Frappuccino

Caffe Vanilla Frappuccino

Smooth and sweet, you fit in to almost any crowd. No one would suspect you of being a coffee tweaker!

What Flavor Frappuccino Are You?

….Praline Mocha is still the best!


You are fairly normal

You Are Fairly Normal

You scored 55% normal on this quiz Like most people you are normal in some ways... But you aren't a completely normal person. You're a little weird too! Why You Are Normal: You think glasses can make someone more attractive You eat the frosting first You prefer a good meal to a good nap You'd rather have rats than cockroaches in your home You prefer fiction to non fiction Why You Aren't Normal: When you're in a car, you prefer to be the passenger You prefer your family to your friends You find the Chicken Dance to be the more embarrassing dance You would rather be tan than pale If you had to, you rather live without laughter and still have music

What's Normal About You... And What's Not?

…I knew they would say that. He-he

What’s your Japanese name

Your Japanese Name Is...

Tadako Matsudaira

What's your Japanese Name?

….hontoni?


What kind of Dosha are you?

Your Dosha is Pitta

You have a quick mind, a gift for persuasion, and a sharp sense of humor. You have both the drive and people skills to be a very successful leader. Argumentative and a bit stubborn, you have been known to be a little too set in your ways. But while you may be biased toward your own point of view, you are always honest, fair, and ethical. With friends: You are outgoing and open to anyone who might want to talk to you In love: You are picky but passionate To achieve more balance: Be less judgmental of those around you, and take cool walks in the moonlight.

What's Your Dosha?

n I love myself. Whahahaha!!!

Your Seduction Style

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Awww!

Your Celtic Horoscope

You Are An Apple Tree

You are quiet and shy at times, but you have lots of charm and appeal. You are quite attractive: your pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, and adventurous spirit draw people in. Sensitive and loyal in love, you want to love and be loved. You are a faithful and tender partner - who is generous in sharing your many talents. You love children, and you need an affectionate partner.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Oh yeah!

Are you a party girl?

You Are a Party Girl!

You give Paris Hilton and Tara Reid a run for their money (Who knows? You've probably even run into them at a club or two) While you do have fun - relax a little every so often All those drinks do nothing for your looks - or your bank account

Are You a Party Girl?

--- Mom, you may exit this page.

What City do you belong?

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique soul like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

--- Oh? All right then, I should be going now. Bye!



How’s your taste of music?

Your Taste in Music:

80's R&B: High Influence 90's Pop: High Influence 90's Alternative: Medium Influence 90's R&B: Medium Influence 90's Rock: Medium Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

--- Wow. That’s a tough call.

Who Stole My Magic?

I’ve concluded that I have lived the life I sought to have, the life that is now burning my skin and breaking my every pore. The life I thought I would never have, the one with magic like in my dreams.

I am in love with too many things and that is what keeps me going. It could be good; it could be bad for me. Either way I chose this and I must face whatever lies ahead. Come what may – my mantra. My mother once told me, “you can never find yourself in someone else’s imagery of you, despite the fact that you’ve spent your entire life with them, what you know of who you are is what only matters.” It stuck to me like a fork on my throat.

As I grew up I fought for what I always wanted to have - freedom to know. I’ve always wanted to know how things happen and how they do it. I was never a keen observer like the talent my siblings have. But I was always interested in things, so many things as a matter of fact. Though I was never really hungry to try stuff but like God’s will my path always cross their way, then the hunger begins. Magic is in me! I admit that I get influenced easily. Negative and positive feedbacks never mattered to me until I get a stone thrown at my head then it starts to bleed like hell and I am shaken out of my reverie. The magic is gone!

And to hell indeed I go. With my hunger I go down with disappointment, with my frustrations, with my anger, my hatred and my sorrow committing crimes of killing my own happiness and the happiness of others around me, loosing what I really wanted to have, loosing my own ambitions, loosing my magic. I’ve been a murderer of someone else’s dreams, someone else’s love, someone else’s scene, someone else’s courage, someone else’s future, someone’s ambitions, and someone else’s magic. And so I am condemned to loose, loose the people I’ve been with. Steal their magic as I loose my own. They aren’t aware of my guilt, the guilt that hunts me as I step inside my room, close my eyes and try to dwell on my lose. But as I try vainly to keep my silence in prayers and imprison myself inside my room, I suffer more. I keep my thoughts in the flesh of my heart not in my tongue and my memories in the walls of my bones not in my mind so as to not have the urge to recollect them just in case I would need to. I would survive a day, a week, a month and luckily now, a year. The only magic left.

As I hit another stick of cigar my eyes begin to grope for my magic, my magic with the people and the parts of my life that I fell in love with. I don’t know if they are still capable of understanding me and my words, my emotions, my actions, my indecisions, and my push to get back the magic I lost. I just don’t know. I had turned my back on many of them knowing I had failed them, knowing that our magic is gone forever.

I’ve accepted the fact that I don’t always know how to understand myself what I really want, but often well in understanding others. Because like them, I too need other people’s magic to help me define me, to show me their imagery of me, disobeying my mother’s words. I honestly say I can’t stand-alone. I try with the use of my little magic left but the sparks are too thin to keep me going.

Everyday I watch the sun as it illuminates my room with all its glory. I envy it for the fact that even if the clouds come out and block his way he still embraces his chance to prove himself again and the magic he can bring. I can never be like that. I can only let the bad things ruin me until I’m crushed into pieces and the little less magic left is entirely gone. I am weak. I am fragile and I am breaking down. I have lost all traces of magic in me and I no longer have anything left inside.
I’ve concluded that I have lived the life I sought to have, the life that is now burning my skin and breaking my every pore. The life I thought I would never have. I am not okay, and I admit. My life is a mess and I can’t stand it. My life has been ruined that only the hands of the offender can mend it. My magic has gone, and who stole it? Could be just I.

I am Ayin

If you were a painter I’d say you would paint me as a cascade of blur and that my shades aren’t sophisticated enough to catch attention. I’m a constant ridicule to the likes or even to the unsung ones. You would sack me away from your gallery, hidden yet authentic.

But I’m a bona fide one-off of the few. The few who cares yet the few who doesn’t really look around. I walk in and out of my own shoes thinking I could be this and I could be that. I get influenced easily. Tell me a story and I’ll write a book about it. Hum me a tune and I’ll sing it. I’m a sucker for life itself. The delusional circumstances always keep me alive and yearning for death. Yet I do not want death to come. I live driven by my own shadow and lights.

If you were a musician my singing voice could have been a fake falsetto. No one really recognizes the difference unless they too are true musicians or is too ordinary to care.

If you were a millionaire I’d be a penny. I’d worth a coin, one-hundredth of the value of your basic.

I am a hundred times indescribable, a thousand times indistinguishable and a million times rarity. I am Ayin.